


I Will Find You Anywhere You Go

by MrBadGuy26



Category: Adam Lambert (Musician), Queen (Band)
Genre: Adoption, Father-Daughter Relationship, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-03
Updated: 2018-01-03
Packaged: 2019-02-28 03:01:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 29
Words: 23,542
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13262232
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MrBadGuy26/pseuds/MrBadGuy26
Summary: All she did was go to a concert. She didn’t imagine it would change her life forever.





	1. Chapter 1

This was the most important day of my summer this year. I have been waiting to go to this concert since I bought my tickets in February. It's now the day I've been waiting for. June 26th, 2017. The anticipation was killing me.  
My Dad and I left our house in San Diego to drive up to LA at 11:30 in the morning. The three hour drive seemed to drag on forever. Tons of traffic, blistering heat and of course, myself not being able to handle the fact I would be seeing my favorite band in a few short (or long) hours.  
It was around 2:15 in the afternoon when we arrived at the Bowl. I could literally not handle myself, basically bouncing in my seat of our car. Once we parked, my dad and I decided to adventure around the Bowl. Not too much to see, the museum was closed and security was tight. We managed to snap a couple pictures, one being next to one of Queen's many trucks. We walked back around one of the Bowl's entrances, looked around and then ventured back to where all the trucks were. A lady was moving boxes out of a truck, all labeled as shirts for the merchandise booths.   
"Excuse me, ma'am;" my dad starts. I immediately cover my face with my hands. What is he going to do now?  
"You obviously know Queen, right? You have met them before?" He asks.   
"Well, yes, I work with them on the tour," She answers, leaning against a stack of boxes.   
"Right. So, this is my daughter, Ryan, and these tickets were her 15th birthday present. If we buy a shirt, can you get it autographed?" He asks, pointing to the shirts strung everywhere inside the truck.   
"You know, I would, but I think I have something better," She says. She starts walking towards the two RV- like buses, and not knowing what to do, we follow.  
She knocks on one of the doors, and a man with a badge opens the door.   
"Yes?" He asks.  
"Are any of the members in there?" She asks.   
"Just Adam. Brian and Roger won't be here until soundcheck," He says, motioning to see the woman's tour badge. She shows him and allows her to walk on inside. We follow, just to get a hand pushed out in front of us.   
"Where do you think you're going, young lady?" He asks. I carefully step down from the bus entry and apologize.   
"I'm sorry, sir. We were just talking to her and she said she had something for us- well, me, I guess," I say, playing with my phone.  
The woman we talked to poked her head out the door. She shot the man in the doorway a look and he eventually moved, escorting us onto the bus.   
My mouth dropped open.   
Right in front of me, sitting on a brown couch, was Adam Lambert.  
I quickly covered my mouth with my hands and started laughing- that weird laugh you do when you don't know how to control yourself.   
"Hey!" He says, getting up off the couch. I still can't keep my composure.   
"No fucking way," I let out. He laughs.  
Oh god. What am I getting into.


	2. Chapter 2

A few moments pass and I wind up sitting next to Adam on the couch. We start talking, with him asking every question under the sun.   
"So why are you such a big fan of Queen?" He asks.   
"Well, I was raised on classic rock. That's all my dad listened to,” I say. Adam chuckles.  
"You did a good job!" He says to my dad with a smile. I crack a pity smile.  
"Well, no,” I start. "Not him."   
Adam looks at me confused.   
"He adopted me. My parents passed away when I was little..." I trail off.  
"Oh, wow... I'm so sorry,” Adam begins, feeling sorry for what he said. I shake my head and smile.  
"No, no. Trust me, it's okay. I just don't tell many people,” I say.   
"Well, your secret is safe with me,” Adam smiles. I give him a pity smile back. Great. Five minutes in and he already knows my life story. I don't even know his middle name.  
A few awkward minutes pass and Adam begins the conversation again.  
"So, what's your favorite Queen song?" He asks, crossing his legs.  
"Well, right now I would have to say it's You Take My Breath Away... but my favorite has always been My Melancholy Blues,” I say.   
"Can you sing it?" He asks. My jaw drops.  
"Uh... no?" I say, laughing. "I don't sing.”  
"Oh, come on,” Adam says, “I know you have it in you! You are in choir, right?" He says, smiling and shaking my leg.  
Don't touch me, bro.  
"Well, yes, b-" Adam cuts me off.  
"So sing it!" He basically yells. Jeez dude, controlling much?  
I get up off my chair and put on the video for the song. I don't bother with doing a karaoke version... Adam is bound to make me stop seconds after I start.   
'Another party's over  
And I'm left cold sober  
My baby left me for somebody new  
I don't wanna talk about it  
Want to forget about it  
Wanna be intoxicated with that special brew....' I trail off, realizing Adam turned the video off and I am now just sounding like a whale attempting to do acapella. But then, Adam starts to slowly clap.  
"Wow, kid,” He begins, “That's killer!"  
I smile. "Really?" I ask.  
"Yes! I wouldn't lie to you... the boys need to hear this!" Adam shouts, excitedly.  
Boys?  
Oh, right.... THE FUCKING LEGENDARY ROCKSTARS OF QUEEN.  
Adam punches in a number to his phone.   
"Are you guys at the venue?" I hear him say.   
"Sit tight,” He says, walking out of the trailer doors.  
My dad and I share a look.  
'What have we got ourselves into?'

A few minutes later, in walks Adam with the addition of two others.  
Brian May.  
And Roger Taylor.  
This is not really fucking happening.  
I literally fall to the floor covering my mouth to keep me from screaming. Eventually, I stand back up and am greeted by Brian.  
"Are you okay, darling?" He asks, gently. I nod and laugh.   
"Yes... I'm just freaking out!! You're BRIAN MAY!! Legendary guitarist of Queen!" I say, making Brian chuckle.  
I look over and see Roger smiling.   
"And... and you're ROGER TAYLOR!! Literally a living legend!!" I basically start to fan-girl... do these two even know what that means?  
"Well, if you're such a big fan, do you have floor seats?" Roger asks. I shake my head.   
"No... we got section R1. Tickets were already being resold, so most of them were being asked for higher prices than they should have been being sold at." Brian shakes his head.   
"That is such a bloody dumb thing to do,” He says, aggravated to the slightest.   
"Well, lucky for you, we just so happen to keep some tickets to ourselves..." Roger says, reaching into his back pocket.  
He pulls out two tickets the read:  
POOL CIRCLE  
SEC 1 ROW 3 SEAT 3+4  
I'm pretty sure I cried.  
"Now... we came in here to hear you sing... would you repay us?" Brian says, smiling.   
"Well, yeah!" I say, laughing.


	3. Chapter 3

At the end of the concert, Roger tossed out his drumsticks to the crowd- well, one of them. He carefully handed the other to me. Right when he did, fans tried yanking the stick from my hands. Adam quickly jumped off the stage and pushed their hands away, immediately being bombarded with security and fans.   
"I'll take this with me. At the end of the show, I'll have one of the managers walk you backstage. I have to talk to you,” Adam says to my dad and I, before jumping back on the stage and taking his final bows with the band.   
After 'God Save The Queen' ended, many people were rushing out the very narrow exits of the outdoor venue- some being so packed full, people were just standing. I didn't quite know what to do. I was told to wait for someone to come escort us backstage.  
"Ryan, let's go,” My dad says, beginning to walk away from the stage. I couldn't walk away. Something told me to stay. I didn't think. I just ran up on the stage. Seconds after, I was being chased by security.   
"Hey! You can't be back here!"  
Most of them shouted. I was being grabbed at by many different men until I heard a familiar voice.   
"She's with me guys,” Adam says, rushing to help me escape from the guards.   
"What the fuck was that, Ryan?" My dad asked, obviously very upset with my actions.   
"I was told to come back here. Well, I was told someone would escort me back here, but that someone never came and I knew that something was waiting for me back here... I just don't know what it is,” I stutter. Adam hands me back the drumstick and folds his arms across his chest.  
"I want her to tour with us,” He says. My eyes grow wide.   
"Nope,” My dad protests, instantly.   
"Why would I even need to tour with you?" I ask. I'm honestly disappointed that my dad already gave him an answer, but I'm honored and curious as why he would want a 15 year old to tag along.   
"It would just be for the summer dates. We end in August and I can get her back home before the school year starts back up,” Adam begs.  
My dad looks at me, Adam, at the ground and then back up to me again.   
"Why do you want her to tour with you?" My dad asks. He has every right to ask, I mean he's basically giving his daughter away to a band for a month.   
"Well, one reason is because of her rendition of 'My Melancholy Blues'... that was utter perfection; but the other reason, and particularly the most important, is I want her to explore as much as she can with the band that changed her life. This could be an experience she never gets again,” Adam pleads, as the band members all stop and stare.   
"Adam... do you reckon you know what you are doing here?" Brian says. Adam looks over at him, and back at me.  
"Yes,” He whispers.  
"If I say yes, I want phone calls, video chats, pictures and stories once you come back,” My dad says, staring me in my eyes. I nod furiously and crack a huge smile.   
"Wait... I need clothes. And shoes. And toiletries,” I ramble, being shushed by Adam.  
"We're playing a show here tomorrow night, too. You can come back tomorrow afternoon and drop your stuff off in one of the buses." He says. "I'll leave an extra ticket or two at the will call booth for you. That is, unless you want to stay backstage during the show."


	4. Chapter 4

The drive home afterwards was insanely awkward. Partially because I don't have a super strong connection with my dad, and partially because I knew after tomorrow, I wouldn't see him for a month. And, I didn't even know if he's told my mom about it yet.  
We get home around 1 in the morning, and I fall asleep but wake back up around 5. I knew I had to pack at some point, being I didn't know what time I would leave to go back to LA.  
"What time are we leaving?" I asked my dad, carrying two large, red suitcases down our steps.  
"We're not,” He says, bluntly.  
"WHY DO YOU THINK WE WOULD LET YOU GO TRAVEL ACROSS THE COUNTRY WITH SOME ROCK BAND?!" My mom shouts from another room.  
"It's Queen, mom. Not some 'rock band',” I say, slightly pissed, slightly annoyed.   
"I don't care, Ryan. I'm not having my DAUGHTER go with some stranger all across America!" She says, slamming her hand on the counter. I get really pissed, really fast.  
"Since when do you care what I do? Yes, I am apparently your 'daughter' but you never acknowledge that! You don't tell me that you love me, you don't have my photos up in your house, hell, I'm not even in the family portrait!" I say, fighting back tears. My mom laughs and stares intently at me.   
"Don't you dare talk to my wife that way!" My dad yells, throwing his finger in my face.  
"If you really feel that way, leave. Just go,” She says, shaking her head.  
"That's not legal. That will never be legal,” I say, now letting the tears fall.  
"You bet your ass it's not. But, I don't care, right? I never cared?" She says, now yelling and gaining the attention of my other siblings.  
"I don't exactly know what you want me to do, here. I was asked to go. Am I not going or am I?"   
"I don't really care at this point. I just want you out of my face,” She says, throwing her hands up.  
I stare blankly at my dad and hoist one of my bags over my shoulder, walking out to the car.  
That drive was the worst of my life. Filled with tears, screams, awkward silence and then the brutal lectures, I was more than ready to get out of the car when we reached the Hollywood Bowl.  
Since I don't really know what to do, I just walk back up to the buses that we were in yesterday. I nervously knock on the door and a skeptical Adam opens up.  
"Hey kid!" He says, kindly. I give him a small smile and walk on inside.   
"Where's your dad at?" He asks, shutting the door.   
"Honestly, I could care less about that,” I say, taking a deep breath.  
"I'm just glad I'm here now."  
"Well, I can't just take you, hun,” He says, laughing but obviously very serious. "That's against the law."   
"Yeah, I know,” I begin. "I just... I don't know what to do anymore."   
"What's wrong?" He asks, sitting down on the couch.  
"Nothing- I'll tell you later,” I say, quickly being cut off by a pound on the door of the trailer. Adam answers and my dad jumps up on the trailer steps. 

"Take the bitch,” He yells, throwing custody paperwork all over the trailer floor.


	5. Chapter 5

My dad leaves the trailer, and Adam starts to pick up the papers that were strung all over the bus.   
"That's not... legal... right?" He asks, but I don't answer because I am not sure if he's just talking to himself or not. 

"So you're telling me, that her dad just left her here and gave you this paperwork?" A police officer asked. The trailer is packed wall to wall with officers, Adam, Brian, Roger and I all trying to make sense of what just happened.  
"Well, I did ask him if she could join us on tour for about a month, sir,” Adam says, nervously.  
"As of right now, she doesn't have a guardian and she is what we call a ward of the state. Meaning that she is in the states care,” An officer says. Great. I know exactly what that means. I've been through this 3 times before.  
"So, what does that mean, officer?" Brian asks, curiously,  
"That means that she can't go with you. Well, she can, if one of you want to take temporary custody of her,” An officer says, staring at me.  
"I'll do it,” Adam blurts out after a good two minutes of silence. "I'll get custody of her."   
"Do you know what that will mean, Mr. Lambert? That means you are her sole provider for right now." An officer says, with caution.   
"It's fine if he doesn't want to,” I say, near a whisper. "It's happened before."   
"What's happened before?" Roger asks.  
"People not wanting me... my biological parents gave me up when I was a baby, my adoptive parents passed away, once they died my brother got custody of me and abused me and basically left me with one of his friends, then I was put into foster care, then I was finally re-adopted and now they don't want me either. It's a vicious cycle.” I say.   
The whole trailer falls silent.  
"That's fucking revolting,” Adam let's out.   
"Sir, language please,” An officer pleads.  
"No, I'm being serious, who the fuck does that? Really? That's literally one of the most brutal things I've heard before and that's not okay. I'm taking her,” Adam says.  
"Well, sir, you would have to go in front of a judge before you can have her,” The same officer informs.   
"And when can he do that?" Brian asks.  
"I can take her back with me to the courthouse. I'm not sure how long you have until your show, but if you want her, you are going to have to be in that courtroom before tonight,”  
A tall officer says. He motions for me to get up off the couch and walks out of the trailer, and towards a patrol car.   
"I'll see you there,” Adam yells from the doorway of the trailer.  
I feel like a damn dog.


	6. Chapter 6

The courtroom lobby is an odd sight. Kids with parents, a man pacing with what seems like divorce papers in his hand, and a bucket to capture dripping water from a pipe.  
Classy.  
Professional.  
I was just sitting there, next to an officer, with so many things running through my mind.  
Did my parents really just give me up?  
Does Adam actually want me?  
Why is my life like this?  
Just then, in walks Adam with two officers and an attorney.   
"You're 15, right miss?" The attorney asks.  
I nod, furrowing my brows at Adam.  
His face stays the same. No reaction. Just dead staring at me.   
"That means you have the sole decision of who you would like to be with. Once you reach the age of 14, you get to have a say in who is your guardian; with, of course, the approval of your appointed attorney..." Adams attorney trails off.   
"Which of I don't see present here so therefore I will be your attorney too,” He says, with a pity smile. I give him a small smile back.   
"Since the judge is busy right now, I will just have you sign these papers,” He says to Adam. He hands Adam a pen and he nervously takes it.  
"So this is an agreement that if she gets hurt, you'll give her medical attention and you are covered by insurance or you'll pay out of pocket..." The attorney goes on with the usual list. Food, clothing, medical appointments and schooling. All things that I've heard multiple times.   
Adam signs the bottom of every paper and the attorney smiles.  
"I'll get these stamped with the state seal and you'll be on your way,” He says, walking over to a different room, covered in glass windows. For the few minutes he's gone, it's awkward silence and the officers pacing around the room, along with Adam just standing next to the chair I'm in, being completely silent.  
The attorney walks back and hands Adam the papers.  
"Keep these somewhere safe,” He smiles, and walks away. The officers follow and all that's left in the now empty lobby is Adam and I. Adam places the papers on a chair and puts his hand out. I look up at him and he motions at his outstretched arm. I take his hand and he ends up wrapping me in a hug. I take his embrace and we just stand there, for a good minute, silent.  
Did this really just happen?


	7. Chapter 7

We end up being ushered out of the courthouse and an officer takes us back to the Hollywood Bowl. I still can't comprehend what just happened. Who gets adopted by a singer while touring the world? That is anything but the definition of normal. Adam and I are greeted by Roger, standing outside of one of the trucks.   
"Welcome along, hun," He says with a smile. I smile back   
"Thanks," I say, softly.   
"C'mon," Adam says, motioning to follow him. "Let's go talk."   
We walk into his tour bus, shut the door and close the blinds. We sit on the couch and Adam starts rambling.  
"Full name?" He asks. I'm startled.  
"Ryan Elliot Stevens... er, Lambert, I guess..." I say with a laugh. "But you knew that."   
"Can I call you Ellie?" He asks. I smile.  
"Yeah, sure," I answer. He smiles and ponders at the though for a while.   
"So... Ellie.." He smiles, "This is probably the most awkward thing ever to have happened to you... tell me about yourself."   
"Well, I'm obsessed with Queen, vinyl records and concerts," I admit. Adam laughs.  
"We're going to get along great!"  
He says, wide eyed and bushy tailed.   
"Adam, there's some things you should know about me," I say, quickly turning the subject from happy to depressing.  
"Go for it," He says, sitting directly in front of me and staring into my eyes.  
"I've tried to commit suicide before. I've slit my wrists and I've downed pills. I've been told to stop taking things so seriously and that my heart will get broken easily in this cruel world. And I hate not knowing where people are going, and I hate not being told I love you, and I hate overthinking and I hate th-" I start rambling and Adam shushes me.  
"Babe... stop," He laughs lightly. I'm partially relieved, partially freaked out. Why'd he call me babe? Eh. Whatever.  
I take a deep breath and next thing I know my face is in my hands to cover my tears. Adam strokes my hand with his finger.   
"You've been through enough today. No need to relive some more painful memories,"  
He forces a smile. He walks away from me and my eyes follow his every move. He opens the door to the trailer, and gets down one step before I get up off my chair and stand, slowly moving toward him. He stops in his tracks and turns towards me.   
"You hate being alone, don't you?" He asks.   
"Everyone that I ever loved just left me... I don't want you to leave me too." I breathe out, looking at the ground.   
"I wouldn't ever leave you forever, Ryan," He says, obviously not knowing what to really do in this situation.   
"Do you.... want to come with me?" He asks. I look up from the ground and match eyes with him.  
"Where are you going?" I ask.  
"Just to go talk with Bri and Roger. Actually, they might want to talk to you," He says. He walks over to me and kneels down. I question what he is doing for a moment, but then I realize he wants me to get on his back. I get on a laugh a little.   
"They say a child's laugh is the sweetest sound you can hear,"He says.   
"And that sure is a sweet sound, after what happened today."


	8. Chapter 8

I quickly get off Adam's back once we reach the door of Brian's tour bus. He knocks a beat- to be exact it was 'Another One Bites The Dust'- and Brian opens up.  
"Hello, Lambert. Hello, Mini Lambert,” He smiles. I laugh a little and Adam pats my back.  
"Hell yeah! Just here to see one of OUR favorite people,” He says with a laugh.   
"Come on in!" Brian motions to the entrance of the trailer. "Make yourself at home." I walk in, Adam trailing behind me.  
I am in awe. Even if it is just a tour bus that the band is really never in, it's fully decked out, with the touch of a rocker. A shelf is packed to the brim with vinyl records, each with a protective clear case around them. Adam and Brian make small talk as I walk over to the records. I trace my fingers over each record, feeling satisfied at the small 'whir' after my fingers leave each record. I'm in a trance. Records from Foreigner, Bad Company, Aerosmith and much more and stacked together like sardines. I gently pull one out of the shelf and gasp. It's a Boston record. I then realize the small talk had ended a long time ago, and Brian and Adam are just staring at me.   
"Having fun?" Brian asks. I nervously laugh.   
"Sorry.. it's just it's-" I get cut off.  
"Boston. I understand,” Adam says, smiling.   
"God,” I say, smiling and looking up at the ceiling. "Just thinking about them makes me go crazy. They're amazing."   
Brian laughs and there's another knock on the door.  
"I couldn't find Adam. But there's a problem,” A woman says, not yet realizing that Adam is in the room.   
"The media found out. They're everywhere. Why did he even get custody of her anyway? He doesn't have the time for her. I think he did it for attention."   
Brian turns his head and the woman sees Adam in his line of vision. Brian opens his mouth to say something, before Adam barges in.  
"I'll have you know that this was one of the best decisions I have made. This little girl deserves nothing but the best,” Adam yells, throwing fingers at the woman in the doorway. I run to a room in the trailer, making sure to keep the door popped open ever so slightly. I peer through and watch Adam start to argue.  
"Adam, that's not what I meant-" she starts, being cut off by Adam soon enough.   
"She has lost 3 sets of parents. THREE SETS!! THAT ISNT NORMAL!!" He yells. He continues to throw out all of the hardships I've been though, eventually making the woman cover her mouth with her hands.  
"That's unbelievable,” She says. "I can only imagine what she's gone through emotionally."   
"You don't even know the half of it,” He says, brutally, beginning to walk toward me. I have tears in my eyes that are beginning to fall. Adam grabs my hand and walks me toward the front of the trailer.   
"You should be ashamed,” He says, before pushing his way out of the trailer. Outside, are lines and lines of news sources and paparazzi, with camera flashes left and right. Adam holds me against his side and whispers "Just don't look." In my ear.  
We made it into the trailer. It was there I realized that the band really doesn't spend much time in the trailers. Adam was searching around for a remote to the small TV. It was also there that I realized, this whole situation was so awkward between us. I waited a few more moments before I blurted out:  
"Let me go on stage tonight.”  
Adam gave me a weird look.  
"Where the hell did you come up with that idea?" He asks, still shuffling through drawers.  
"These people want answers. Who other to give them the answers than the person they're asking about?" I say, now standing up. He takes a few minutes to ponder. The most infuriating few minutes of my life.  
"We will cut Spread Your Wings and you can talk. Only a few minutes. You say you're with me and you're off that stage, back in the safety of our guards. Got it?" He says, bluntly.  
"Copy,” I respond.


	9. Chapter 9

The concert was well underway and I was standing awkwardly near the side of the stage, watching Adam prance around like he does every show. He is extremely flamboyant... on and off the stage. Definitely showing respect to Freddie. He never tries to compete with the rock god that is Mercury himself.  
It was the end of the beginning few songs, and Adam was saying his speech before his new song, Two Fux, was played. He rants about Freddie, how he can't compare to him, he thanks the boys and laughs at his flamboyancy. Next thing I know, he's saying what I was dreading.  
"Tonight is really a dream come true. These past two nights here at the Hollywood Bowl were epic and amazing and I never thought I would get here, so thank you,” He says into the mic, followed by a loud eruption of cheers, screams and whistles.   
"This tour stop really was one for the books. Something incredible happened and I have a special someone who I would like to introduce,” Adam says as he motions for me to walk on stage. I am extremely awkward and shy, but I find my shaky hand grasp the microphone from Adams hand as he walks back to stand next to Brian.  
"So, um, hi everyone,” I say, laughing from being so unprepared.  
"None of you know who I am. And that's okay, that's normal. I don't really know who any of you are,” I say, getting a few laughs here and there throughout the crowd. I turn back to Adam and he smiles. It gives me enough courage to keep going.  
"But, today, everything changes. I'm going to be joining Queen and Adam on their tour because this afternoon, I was legally approved by the state to be in the custody of the one and only Adam Lambert." It takes a second, but eventually the whole crowd roars with the same cheers as when Adam was speaking earlier. I cover my mouth with my remaining hand and look down at the ground, bending at my waist. I feel Adam come and squeeze my shoulder and take the microphone from my hands.   
"This is Ryan Elliot Lambert everyone. My Ellie,” Adam says into the mic. I give him a toothy grin and look out into the crowd. I run my fingers through my hair and wrap my arms around Adams waist. I grab the microphone from Adam and wait for the yelling to die down.  
"I hope to see you again soon!" I say into the mic before letting go of Adam and waving to the crowd as I walk backstage.   
"That was something, huh!" Adam yells into the mic. The crowd yells back a mix of 'yeah!' and hollers.   
"I have a new song out, and I want to just say to anyone who says that I made the wrong decision, or that I shouldn't have taken on this responsibility of raising a teenage girl, I don't give two fux about your opinion,” He says, walking back down the catwalk as the crowd screams some more. I watch from the side. And smile. Really, really wide. He can make so many people happy.  
So I know he'll make me happy, too.


	10. Chapter 10

I was sitting on a chair, minding my own business, and starting to mess with my new phone Adam had purchased right after he got custody of me when I got a message through Facebook.  
'You're a disappointment! Do you know how much guilt and sadness your parents feel? You broke your family apart once again!' It read. It was from a woman named Valerie, a close friend of my now-passed mother. I basically lived with her for a couple months after my mom passed, because my brothers had to work out a work schedule so I would spend afternoons after school and sometimes nights at her house. I leave the message on read and lock my phone. I place it in my lap and take a deep breath through my mouth. Next thing I know, a lady- the same one who introduced me to Adam in the first place- sits next to me.  
"How are you doing?" She asks, looking into my eyes.  
"I'm... okay. I really do like being here. But, there's just an uneasy feeling in my stomach that I just can't shake. I don't know if it's new surroundings or what; but I don't like it very much,” I say. She rubs my arm and makes that pity facial expression towards me.  
"I know it's not easy. I have two little ones at home,” She says.   
"Really?" I ask. She nods.  
"Yep, two little boys. They're my world, but so is this. I love what I do, and as long as it puts food on their table I'm not leaving." She says, with a small smile. Also, I'm Nikki. I didn't quite catch your name- what is it?"   
"Ryan,” I say, holding out my hand. She smiles as she shakes it. "But, Adam decided to call me Ellie."   
"Well, Ryan, if you ever need anything, you know where to find me,” She says, getting up. "And, if you ever need to talk about your girl problems, or need something that it would be awkward to ask Adam, I'm always here." She smiles and I laugh while thanking her. My eyes follow her as she walks away. That was until Adam walked by me to go and get another wardrobe change for the show. I looked at him and smiled, but he just walked away.   
Don't take it to heart, Ryan.  
It's not a big deal.   
He didn't mean anything by it.  
Stop this nonsense.   
I repeat those things to myself over and over. He walks by again, now in a slightly different outfit than before.   
Still no look.   
"Please look at me. Please look at me. Please look at me,” I say over and over, getting slightly louder each time. He doesn't take notice.  
"God dammit Adam look at me!" I yell, everyone backstage looks at me, finally including Adam.  
I get up off my chair and run to a bathroom. I open the door and look to find the sink, walk up and slam my hands on the counter. I look at myself in the mirror.   
Why did I need to have Adam look at me?   
No, it wasn't that I was scared he would leave me. No, I knew where he was going, so that wasn't it.   
"You needed reassurance, didn't you?" Nikki says as she slowly closes the bathroom door. I turn around and the tears fall. They flood. It's like a waterfall up in here.  
"I just don't know why,” I manage to say through the sobs.   
"Ry, you've been through enough. You're just scared to trust someone else, after all, you're right. Most people in your life leave in one way or another,” She says, while rubbing my arm. I wipe away my tears and walk out of the bathroom, leaving her alone in a concrete box.  
She's right.   
She's so fucking right.   
I find my way back to my chair, hearing the end of We Will Rock You- signaling the middle of the encore. A man grabs a few water bottles and robes for each of the members. After a couple minutes, all the members file into the backstage room and get situated in their robes. I close my eyes and lay my head against my hand in a formed fist. I was starting to slightly drift off when I felt someone place a crown upon my head. I flutter my eyes open and see a tired, stressed and somewhat pissed Adam.   
"We gotta get on a flight, Ryan. Let's go,” He says, helping me out of the chair. I follow him as he walks towards the backstage door. That was when all hell broke loose.   
Tons of fans wanting to catch a glimpse. News stations, reporters, paparazzi, and radio stations all line the roads of the Hollywood Bowl. We get ushered into a limo and the diver starts the car. It was Adam, Brian, Roger, Spike and I all in the limo together, Adam and I across from each other. I catch my eyes wandering, and I lock eyes with Adam. Has he been staring at me the whole time?   
"Take a picture. It lasts longer,” I say, getting cozy against my fist again. Adam laughs and pulls out his phone. A few moments later, I my cell buzzed.  
'Tweet notification from ADAM LAMBERT' it read. Oh yeah, I still had those on.   
"Tonight two dreams came true. Playing the Hollywood Bowl was one of them. This was the other." It read, with a link to a photo Adam snapped of me sleeping a few seconds ago. I look back up at him.   
He's staring again.


	11. Chapter 11

We get situated on the private jet and I am tired as hell. These last couple days have been crazy ones, and I need my rest. I do a little bit of searching and find a brown throw blanket. I wrap myself up in it and stare at the wall.  
Out of the corner of my eye, I see someone walking towards me. I look up and see Roger handing me a water bottle.   
"Thanks,” I say with a smile. He nods slightly and takes a seat next to me.   
"You're one hell of a kid, you know that?" He opens his water bottle and downs it in only a few gulps. I shrug my shoulders.   
"I guess so,” I say with an awkward laugh. I hate pity. I hate sympathy. I fucking hate it.  
"What is your favorite record?" I hear Brian ask, walking to join our party. I move in my seat to face both of them, my arms crossed and leaning on the armrest of the plane seat. I smile a little and Roger raises his eyebrow.   
"You're a music nerd?" He asks. I laugh and run my fingers through my hair.  
"I love music. Music is everything to me. Although I can't play an instrument for the life of me, I love the sound. I love the energy. I just love it,” I ramble. “But back to your question, my favorite record of all time is Don McLean's American Pie." Roger laughs a little.  
"Wow kid. That certainly is a good one,” He says, leaning back in his seat.

For about the next hour Brian, Roger and I talk about music. Our favorite songs, instruments and albums along with them telling me some crazy tour and recording studio stories. I honestly forget that Adam is sitting a couple isles behind me. That is, until I see him post something on Instagram.  
'There's a certain twinkle in her eye and shine in her smile when she talks about music. She's in her element and I couldn't be happier.' It read, with a picture of me rambling on to Bri and Rog, both of them smiling and content in the conversation. I look over at Adam, and wait until he notices me staring. He looks up from his phone and I give him a small smile. He winks at me and smiles back. He gets up out of his chair and sits in the one next to mine, resting his right ankle on his left knee.   
"You should sleep, Ellie. We have a long day tomorrow- actually, we have a long day every day,” He laughs. "Better get used to it." I smile and rest my head against my fist again. After a few minutes, I lift my head up and sigh. I look around for a few seconds and realize that Brian and Roger went to another area of the plane.   
"I can't sleep,” I say. Adam lifts the arm rest that separates us up and pats his lap. I give him a confused look, but eventually cross my arms across his lap and lay my head on them. He very gently puts my hair behind my ear and strokes my cheek with his thumb. I roll around so I'm facing the ceiling, and I grab his hand from him. I very carefully play around with his fingernails, the polish cold and smooth across my fingertips. He laughs, and for some reason, doesn't mind that I do it.  
"Do you want me to sing to you?" He asks. I nod my head as he puts his phone down next to me.   
"Look into my eyes and you'll see;  
I'm the only one...  
You've captured my love,  
Stolen my heart,  
Changed my life;" he sings. It's my all time favorite Queen song. You Take My Breath Away.   
After a few more verses, I can feel myself drift off into a deep, peaceful sleep; all while still holding onto Adam's hand.


	12. Chapter 12

A couple hours later, I wake up to Adam gently tapping me. My eyes flutter open and I realize that we have made it to San Jose- and it's 4 in the morning. Luckily, today is one of the days we have off. Although Adam has a bunch of press to do, I can sort of relax.   
We end up going to a hotel and each of the boys going their separate ways, Adam and I rooming together. Adam slides the white hotel key into the slot, waits for the light to turn green and twists the knob open. Adam had to call and request a room change so we had two beds instead of one.   
Am I really that big of a hassle?   
Am I even worth it?  
No.  
We walk into the room, and put our bags next to the couch. I gingerly walk over to one of the beds, and sit Indian style on the end. I can hear Adam jumble around in his suitcase while I stare at my sweatpants, wrapping my fingers in the elastic band. It was then that I heard the faint whisper of music coming from Adams phone. It was a song I've heard a thousand times. Stairway To Heaven by Led Zeppelin. I listened for a few seconds. A few gut-wrenching seconds.   
"Can you turn it off," I ask, near a whisper. Adam looked up at me, locking his eyes with my tear filled ones. He pauses the song and walks over to me, and sits on the bed without breaking eye contact.   
"How'd they die?" He asks, calmly. Before I had the chance to speak, I cover my mouth so I can attempt to muffle the sobs pouring out.   
"Hey... hey... you're safe. I promise," He assures me, softly grabbing onto my hand and caressing the back of it with his thumb.   
"My mom," I blurt out. Adam gives me a slightly puzzled look.  
"Your mom what?" He asks.   
"That was a song played at my moms funeral," I answer, locking eyes with him. I can see in his blue orbs he's looking for the right answer. Instead he gives me a small, pity filled smile.   
"I'm sorry, Ryan. I really am," He says, firmly. I take a deep breath and let out a shaky one.  
"My dad went first, he passed when I was 7 on Christmas. My mom went next after less than three years. I didn't even know she was sick. She was diagnosed Monday and passed away that Thursday. I was 10," I say, all within one breath. Adam rubs his lips with his fingers, making it seem like he's not covering his mouth to stop him from gasping.   
"Then, my brother got custody of me. He was a drug and alcohol addict and abused me. He quit his job and we ended up in a house without any food, water or power. I went through about 3 years of torture and finally he basically gave me to his friend so he could run from a warrant. She had 4 foster kids who she abused and she severely mentally abused me. Forced me to give up all contact with family. Finally during a 2 year check up with my social worker, I told him that I wasn't even with my brother and that he was running from a warrant and I wanted out fast. I ended up being put in an emergency shelter for about a week and then was placed in a foster home for a few days shy of a month, before my cousins got custody of me last April. I love them, but we never had a parent/ child connection. Then, they gave me up. And now I'm here," I say, beginning to get teary eyed. Before I know it, my eyes become Niagara Falls. Adam placed his hand on my cheek. His hand soft and gentle, I open my eyes to a worry and sadness filled Adam. He flickers between each of my eyes for a few moments before giving me a very small, forced smile.   
"Your eyes sparkle when you cry." He says, softly. I laugh a little, but soon return to my sorrow filled tears. I break the few minutes of silence with five short words.   
"I've tried to kill myself." I say, bluntly. I carefully turn over my arms to reveal a city of white lines, along with a few never, red cuts thrown in the mix. Adam traces his finger over a few of them, and stops at a group of red ones. He ponders a moment a tilts my head up with a single finger. That's when I see the tears forming in his eyes.   
"You're strong." He says softly, before breaking into cries. "You're really fucking strong, Ryan."   
I give him a shrug and put my arms back in my lap. I look around the dark room, only dark because of the black curtains pulled.   
"When is your next interview?" I say, my voice shaky from crying.   
"Around 1. Why?" He asks, plugging in his phone to the outlet.   
"We should probably get a little sleep." I say, laying down beside him.   
"Yeah, I guess so." He says, moving over to his bed. I get under the covers and get comfortable, which doesn't take long. I missed a bed.   
"Night, Ellie." He says.  
"Good night." I say, rolling over to face his bed. He's facing the wall, so there is no eye contact. I just stare.   
Thank God for him.


	13. Chapter 13

A couple hours later, I stretch out my legs and open my eyes to Adam opening the curtains of the hotel room. I reach over to grab my phone and open up twitter to a bunch of notifications, some being new followers, some being likes and comments on the photos Adam has posted, and some being links to news stories that have been written due to Adam and I's announcement last night.  
'Singer and Queen frontman Adam Lambert to adopt teen girl.'  
'Queen Frontman Adam Lambert takes on new responsibility of parenting with recent parental rights granted.'  
'American Idol veteran takes custody of 15 year old girl following Queen + Adam Lambert show.'  
I read through a couple of the news stories and see that one of them contains a photo- Adam and I standing together on the Queen stage. I take a screenshot and post it on my twitter and Instagram and caption it:  
"@ryelliot last night was the first chapter of a crazy new book. Thank you @adamlambert"  
Instantly, I get replies and likes, but one sticks out to me.  
"@adamlambert thank you for giving me an amazing new responsibility."  
I look over to see Adam scrolling on his phone. My phone vibrates as I get a notification. '@adamlambert likes your photo.' I open the Instagram app and see it's a photo of my dad and I, posted on his death anniversary last year. I break the awkward silence with a deep breath.  
"I don't have it anymore,” I say. Adam looks up at me and sets his phone on the counter. He opens his mouth to say something but I shut him down.  
"The picture. I don't have it. I don't have anything of them anymore,” I say, feeling the tears stinging my eyes. I blink them away, but one still manages to fall.  
"You have the memories,” He says, quietly and softly, as if he didn't want to startle me.  
"Yeah, but those are fading too. I don't even remember anything of my dad. I was too little. And my mom, I can't even remember her voice. Oh god what I would do to hear her talk again. Or to get a hug from my dad. Or to have something, anything. Jesus, a shirt would be okay,” I say, in anger. I hate that I didn't get enough time with them. It always used to bother me when my brothers would ask me "remember when..." and I wouldn't. It sucks.  
"Do you know where anything is?" He asks. I sigh and shake my head.  
"Nope. Haven't seen a thing for probably two years,” I say. Adam looks around in defeat. Not much either of us can do now.  
"Does any of your family have anything?" He asks, still trying to figure something out.  
"Probably not. My dads family never talked to us and my moms family probably hates me, the only one who I can actually still talk to is my brother who is somewhat sane, and he doesn't have anything either,” I say, getting out of my bed. I grab my phone and see another text from Valerie.  
'You can't hide for long!! That Adam Lambert man doesn't want you! He just wants attention to make him seem like a good person! He's gonna RAPE YOU AND SELL YOU!!'  
Rape?  
Sell?  
Is that really going to happen?  
I look at Adam, who is just typing away on his phone. There's no way he could do that. He cares for me, or else he wouldn't have got custody of me...  
Right..?  
"Adam are you lying to me?” I ask loudly. He looks at me and furrows his brows.  
"Are you just doing this for attention?” I look at him dead in the eyes and show no emotion. He doesn't answer.  
"Are you?" I demand. He leans back in his chair before answering my question.  
"Who the hell do you think I am, Ryan? Just some perv who can feast on teenagers? Some sex trafficker? Is that who you think I am?" Adam says, rightfully pissed. I look down at my phone and see that word over and over.  
Rape.  
Rape.  
Rape.  
As flashbacks fill my mind, the tears start to run like rivers. Broken sobs escape my lips as I manage to say a few words.  
"Please don't be like him,” I whisper.  
"Please don't hurt me."  
I look at him and lift up my shirt. Revealed are huge, long cuts all over my stomach, breasts and back, all result of beating and rape.  
"Oh my god,” He says, softly. "Babe, when did this happen?"  
I take a deep breath and bite my lip.

 

"Yesterday."


	14. Chapter 14

"What do you mean this happened yesterday?" He asks, angrily. He gets up out of his chair as my eyes start to water.  
"It was my punishment,” I say, softly. "For leaving my family. My dad punished me."  
He looks around the room for a moment and ends up grabbing his phone and putting on his shoes.  
"Did you shower last night?" He asks. I shake my head. He hands me my Birkenstocks and dials a number on his phone.  
"Hey... can I get a car? Or a ride? This is an emergency,” He says.  
***  
"Did you change your clothes last night or this morning?" A woman asks. I shake my head.  
"Alright, hun. We're going to make a report,” She says to me. Adam ended up getting me to a hospital, and now everyone and their mom knows what happened.  
"What were you doing when the initial... attack... started?" She asks after figuring out what words to use.  
"Um..." I begin. "We were fighting over the fact that I would be going with Adam."  
Adam and I make eye contact as his face turns from worry to guilt.  
It's not his fault that I got raped.  
He has nothing to feel sorry about.  
He changed my life.  
For the better.  
"So this was out of anger? Sadness? Jealousy? And who's 'he'?" She asks.  
"It's my dad. That's who did this,” I reply. The woman gets a nervous look on her face and turns toward Adam.  
"This man did this to you?" She says, grabbing a phone from her pocket. I quickly stop her and Adam slouches in his chair.  
"No, no he didn't do anything. He's Adam. He's who we were fighting over,” I say, loudly. The woman sighs a breath of relief and continues writing on her report.  
"Full name? Date of birth? Eye color?" She says.  
"Ryan Elliot Stevens. My name hasn't legally been changed since Adam got custody of me, but we say my last name is Lambert anyway. My birthday is November 16th, 2001 and my eyes are blue." I sigh. She writes everything down on the paper and in walks a doctor. He gives me a smile but I don't give him one back. This is all scary to me. I don't like talking about my problems.  
"Hi Ryan. My name is Dr. Jones, and I'm just going to do a brief exam on you, okay?" He asks, putting on his gloves. I nod my head, but I really don't want him to do this. I don't want anyone seeing what is on my body but the person I trust.  
And that's Adam.  
"Can you lift up your shirt for me?" He asks. I do as he says, hesitantly, and he does his 'search' before pulling my shirt back down.  
"You didn't shower, right?" He asks. I shake my head.  
"Alright, that's perfect. But I'm going to need to examen you some more. Would you mind if you take off your shorts for me, Ryan?" He asks. I look over at Adam and am scared for my life. I don't want anyone touching me anywhere near that area.  
"I can leave if you want me to, doctor,” Adam says. The doctor nods.  
"I think that'll be a good idea,” He says with a smile. Adam gives me a rub on the shoulder before leaving me, to be searched, swabbed and questioned by a random man. 

"The police said that they will call me if we get any hit on the case,” Adam says as we pull out of the hospital parking lot.  
"I'm very proud of you that you told me." I look down at my hands and start to fumble with my ring. Adam takes notice and starts the conversation again.  
"You weren't going to tell me, were you?" He asks. I look up at him and lie straight through my teeth.  
"What? Psh. Yeah I was gonna tell you,” I say. He gives me that "I know you're lying" look and I go back to messing with my ring, turning it around and around my middle finger with the help of my index, thumb and ring finger all on the same hand.  
"You're lying. I can tell because whenever you're uncomfortable you start to mess with that ring,” He says, turning into the parking lot of the hotel. Once we manage to get inside, we meet Brian in his hotel room.  
"Hello my dears!" He says enthusiastically as he opens the door. Adam laughs as I smile.  
"Hey Bri. Did you get my text?" Adam asks. Brian nods his head.  
"Yes I did and I would be more than happy to spend some time with my favorite little rocker,” Brian replies. Finally, he makes me laugh. The first time I've laughed all day.  
God, I love these guys so much.  
Adam and Brian talk for a few minutes as I look out the window of the hotel. Tons and tons of buildings and cars are packed like sardines, but for some reason, I love it.  
"Ellie, I'm gonna go to my press interview. Do you think you'll be alright here?" Adam asks. I nod my head. Adam walks over to me and whispers something in my ear.  
"I didn't tell him,” He says. "I didn't tell him about the case."  
Adam leaves without saying goodbye, but I don't think anything of it.  
"Ryan, I'm going to go and see if there is a room service menu,” Brian says, walking out of the room.  
"Wait!" I blurt out. Brian stops in his tracks and looks back at me.

"I'm afraid of being alone. Because I've learned that when people leave, they won't return."

PS: Happy Birthday Brian! :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fic was originally posted to Wattpad starting on June 30, 2017. This chapter was posted July 19, 2017.


	15. Chapter 15

Brian stands in the doorway, not really knowing what to do.  
"Why wouldn't they return?" He asks cautiously, walking back inside the hotel room and carefully shutting the door.  
"They would die. The people that I care about would leave and not come back because they would die. That's how my parents went. Now I'm scared for anyone to leave me,” I say, bluntly and staring at the wall. I hear Brian set down the hotel key and take off his jacket. I finally look up at him and he gives me a sorrow-filled smile. He walks over to a small couch in the corner of the hotel room.  
"Come,” He motions. I do as he says, sitting cross legged on the green couch.  
"I know more than you think I do." He says, giving me a little smile. I give him a puzzled look.  
Oh, god.  
Please don't know about the rape case.  
"What exactly do you know?" I ask, becoming very curious and almost upset with him.  
"I know that your parents passed, that your brother was abusive and that your new family gave you up to Adam,” He says. I look down at my fingers and start to twist my ring around my fingers. "May I say, that makes you a mighty strong young lady, sweet girl." I look up at him and bite my lip.  
"Thank you,” I whisper.  
A few moments pass before Brian speaks up again.  
"And I also know that you've tried to end your precious life,” He says. I look around the room before pulling my sleeves over my hands.  
"Yeah..." I say, sniffling. I've cried more in these last two days than I have in probably 6 months.  
"I wanted to do that, too. After I lost two of the most important people in my life,”’He says. I wipe my nose with the back of my hand.  
"Freddie?" I asked.  
"Yes. And my dad. Both around the same time. I felt so helpless, after loosing two of the most influential people in my life I felt like I had nothing left,” He says. "But now that I am still alive and living this life, I am grateful that I'm still here. Now, I'm still doing what I absolutely love. This is all I've known, and I'm sill so glad that I can bring Queen to life each and every concert." I finally crack a smile.  
"You know, you remind me of my dad,” I say. He smiles.  
“Well, for one, he's the one who introduced me to Queen in the first place, and whenever I think about how he used to beat the drums on his steering wheel or would sing along, I can't help but smile. He was truly an amazing man,” I start to smile. It's a very rare sight, but when it happens, it usually is followed by a few of happy tears.  
"He sounds phenomenal,” I hear Adam say as he opens the door. He must've had a hotel key.  
"Would you mind telling me more?" 

And there we sat, with myself, Brian and Adam all telling stories about our dads. All the way up until soundcheck, we laughed, cried and all around enjoyed ourselves...  
And I'm finally feeling at home.


	16. Chapter 16

"Are you gonna let it all hang out? Fat bottomed girls, you make the rockin' world go round!" Nikki and I sing, standing by the edge of the stage. I'm laughing and actually having fun for the first time in a few days, and I'm so happy about it.  
Watching Adam interact with the band makes me so happy and so lucky to be apart of the tour, even if it's just because I'm Adams responsibility now.

After a few songs, I see Adam run backstage to get on his coveted pink bike, made specifically for the song 'Bicycle Race'. He rides out onto the stage, being as flamboyant as ever and earning quite a few laughs and screams from the crowd, including one from me.   
"I want to ride my... tricycle!" He sings, changing the lyrics to match the style of bike he's riding.   
The song started and I was lost in enjoying myself. That's one thing I love about these concerts- the fact I have one of the best seats in the house.  
But, that all ended when Adam pulled me onto the stage.  
"What the hell are you doing?!" I yelled, trying to make him hear me over the loud thumping of the speakers.  
"You look adorable. Come have fun with me!" He says. He hands me a blue microphone after he makes sure it's turned on.  
"You know the lyrics right?" He says. I nod and give him a 'duh' expression.   
He grabs my arm and pulls me to the catwalk, and the crowd starting to scream.   
"Hey Ryan..." He says into the microphone. It was then I realized, nobody else gets this experience- I should enjoy myself!  
"Yes, Adam?" I reply back, putting my hand on my hip.

'You say coke  
I say caine  
You say John   
I say Wayne  
Hot dog   
I say cool it man  
I don't wanna be the President of America'  
Adam and I circle around each other, both having theatrical personas and switching off every other line, as if a question and answer lyric battle has begun.

'You say smile  
I say cheese  
Cartier  
I say please  
Income tax   
I say Jesus  
I don't wanna be a candidate  
For Vietnam or Watergate  
'Cause all I want to do is...'  
We continue. The whole time, I'm all smiles and having a blast. I have no idea if this was planned or not. But it certainly ended up looking like we rehearsed for days. Not one single wrong lyric, missed step or our facials not being content. We looked polished.   
"Bicycle! Bicycle! Bicycle!" Adam sang solo. As he was, I was prancing around the catwalk, laughing and interacting with fans that lined the neck of the guitar- shaped runway.   
The song ended and shortly faded into Rogers song, 'I'm In Love With My Car', and I waved goodbye to the crowd and Adam before running back to the side of the stage, myself soon being hidden by the lighting rigs and bars built in to the stage.  
"What the fuck was that!" I hear a man shout in the somewhat far distance.   
"What does Adam think he's doing? This isn't his concert! It's mine!"   
I turn around to see a man in a Queen + Adam Lambert hoodie with the words "TOUR MANAGEMENT" written across the back.   
"You!" He yells at me, throwing a finger my way.   
"I don't quite know who you are, or why you're here, or why you were up on that stage tonight, but I'll have you know you have RUINED this tour! We're only four stops in and you've changed everything! You need to leave,”  
He growls. My mouth hangs open. I really have no idea what to say. Everything was going great, perfect even, and now this happens.  
"Sir, I can't leave. I'm with Adam. He's my guardian,” I say, honestly.  
The man looks around the room and growls.  
"God dammit!" He says loudly.  
"Then Adam can leave, too."  
He starts to walk away, but I stop him.   
"You can't just make him leave!" I yell at him. He turns around on his heel and I gulp, nearly choking on nothing.  
"This is just as much Adam's tour as it is Queen's, but I'll have you know that none of this is yours. You don't own the band, or Adam, or me,” I say, bluntly.  
"Sure, you might manage the tour, but you cannot- and will not- kick Adam and I out of it. What would that do to you? Loose all your money, ticket refunds, and disappointed fans? Is that what you want?"   
All of backstage falls silent, the only noise being from the band onstage and the cheers from the crowd.  
The manager clears his throat before answering.   
"You're one tough cookie,” He says. "Fine. Adam stays. But you... you do not EVER step back on that stage. Got it?"   
I slowly nod to his question, bummed. I really enjoyed myself, and I thought the crowd did, too.  
"I'll talk to Adam once the show is over." He says, before walking away and mumbling something under his breath.

"I hope she offs herself."


	17. Chapter 17

"Sir, it was just a playful moment. It wasn't meant to cause any trouble," Adam says, throwing his hands up in surrender towards the tour manager.   
I stand behind him, nervous and scared. I don't think that the manager knew that I was listening when he said I should kill my self, but I also don't think he knows enough about me to know I am always contemplating it.   
"Please, Mr. Beach. You have to understand. Adam truly meant no harm by his actions. He didn't know there would be this type of consequence," Roger says, now standing in a circle with Adam, Brian, Jim Beach and I.  
"Is she going to be on this tour until the end?" He asks, pointing towards me. Adam looks down and gazes into my eyes, and squeezes my shoulder.   
"Well, I do have custody of her, so yes. She literally has no choice,” He laughs. I smile a small smile and look back down at the ground, still thinking off the words Mr. Beach said earlier.  
I hope she offs herself.  
I hope she offs herself.  
I hope she offs herself.  
The line repeats like bullets in my brain, and I soon loose my focus on the conversation.   
"Next time, just please tell me if you're planning something like that,” Mr Beach says, finally coming to his senses about the whole situation.   
"Yes, sir,” Adam nods, as the circle starts to deteriorate.   
Adam soon ushers me into the car, and after a few minutes, we find ourselves on the plane.  
"Adam," I start, once he and I are somewhat 'alone' in the packed private jet.   
"Can I tell you something?"   
"Of course, of course. I am all ears,” He says, setting his phone down and giving me a smile.  
"What would you do if I told you that someone told me to, uh, u-um..." I stutter over my words, not wanting to open the basically already opened can of worms. Adam rests his left ankle on his right knee and gives me a 'spit it out' look.   
"They told me to kill myself. Someone told me to kill myself,” I spat, near a yell before I could stop myself from keeping it in any longer.   
He runs his fingers through his hair and then places them upon his lips to cover them, slowly closing his eyes.  
"Who,” He says through the two fingers covering each of his lips.   
"Jim," I say, so soft you can barely hear. I stare down at the floor, knowing that if I made eye contact this would all go south.   
"Are you FUCKING kidding me?" He yells, somehow yelling the explicit louder. Next thing I know he's up out of his seat, walking towards the front of the plane. I turn in my seat to look at where he's going, being as my seat is faced towards the back.  
"Jim, how about you just go kill yourself? Why don't you just do that? I mean, you have no problem telling teen girls that, so why not just do it yourself?" Adam says angrily.   
Oh, God.  
What is he doing?  
"Mr. Lambert, I think you ought to watch your tone with me," Jim says, standing up from his seat next to Brian.  
"And I'll have you know, that I never told her to go do that."   
"Yeah, not to my face,” I speak up, standing next to my seat.   
"'She should go off herself'? Really? That's probably not something you should say to someone."   
"Well, Ryan, that isn't what I meant," Jim laughs, trying to make light of this whole situation.  
"You have to understand that I was just angry at the moment."   
"You don't say those things to someone who is really hurting. That isn't okay. That's rude and disrespectful, Mr. Beach. I'm sorry, but it's uncalled for,” I hear Roger defend from behind me.  
"Can we just all drop this?” I proclaim, not wanting to start more drama than I already have. I walk back to my seat on the plane and scroll through my twitter, seeing links plastered from hell to breakfast.  
'Queen + Adam Lambert adds teen girl to show'  
'Adam Lambert joined on stage with Ryan Lambert for duet.'  
'Adam Lambert's daughter sang with him and we can't handle it.'  
Daughter.  
Daughter.  
Does he think that of me?  
***  
I wake up in a hotel room, wrapped up in a blanket. I flicker my eyes open and after a moment find my phone and see it's 10 in the morning.  
"Good morning, sunshine," Adam says from the kitchenette in the room.   
"How'd I get in here?" I say, running my fingers through my hair and letting out a yawn.   
"I carried you. I didn't want to wake you, I thought you needed to rest," He says, sitting on the edge of my bed.  
"Thank you," I say, unlocking my phone and starting to go through my social media feeds.   
@adamlambert: so glad @ryelliot could join me last night! Should we make it a part of the concert?" He tweets, along with a link to his Instagram with a photo of us circling around each other, singing our hearts out.   
"Do you think that Jim will let us do it again?" I ask.  
"Well, right now I think that there's a little tension between all of us. But, I think that he won't mind after a few shows," Adam says, smiling.   
"Ryan, can I ask you something?" He says, changing the subject. I nod and wrap myself up in the blankets once more.   
"You weren't actually going to.. you know... do what Mr. Beach said, were you?" He says, laying across the bed. I sigh.  
"I can't lie, the thought of killing myself is always in the back of my mind," I say, looking him in the eyes. He needs to know. I can't keep it from him.   
"Why?" He questions, eagerly wanting the answer.   
"Because I feel it would be easier,” I begin.   
"Easier on myself and everyone around me. People don't need the broken girl to bring them down." I lay my head down on the pillow. 

"Especially not you."


	18. Chapter 18

"Ry, you aren't a burden to me, I need you to know that,” Adam says, seriously. I lock eyes with him and see the truth swimming in his blue orbs.  
"I feel like I'm a burden to everyone,” I say, shoving my face farther down in my pillow.  
"You aren't, hun. Trust me. You're anything but that,” Adam tries to change my mind. I sigh and change the subject slightly.  
"Did you know that Brian had thoughts of suicide?" I ask. Adam lays back on the bed, with one leg up and bent and the other with the ankle resting on the thigh of the opposite. He laces his fingers together and closes his eyes.  
"Yeah. And it makes me upset. That guys is so talented, so incredibly brilliant, just an over all light in this world..." He trails off.   
"But, I guess that just proves that even the people that seem most perfect have their demons,” He starts up again, opening his eyes to look up at me.  
"Does that mean you had demons, too?" I ask. Adam smiles the slightest.   
"You're sweet, and yes. I did have my own demons. I beat them for the most part, but sometimes they still haunt me,” He says, staring at the wall.  
"Mine have been with me since my mom passed away and never left,” I say, pushing my hair behind my ear.   
"Is that why you inflicted these on yourself?" Adam asks, rolling over onto his stomach, gently running his index finger down my left arm.   
"Honestly, it was because of my life in general. I felt that I had no purpose. My brother did everything in his power to make my life hell, and I couldn't tell anyone about it or else he would somehow make life worse. I learned that the hard way once,” I say, snuggling up into my pillow.   
"Would you mind telling me?" Adam says softly. Tears start to fall from my eyes as flashbacks fill my mind, and I cover my mouth with one of my hands.   
"Hey, hey. You're safe now,” He says, grabbing my hand and rubbing his thumb across the back.   
"He can't hurt you anymore. I won't let him,” He whispers and laughs at the last part. Surprisingly he makes me laugh and I wipe a few tears away.  
"There's that sparkle again,” He says, smiling.   
"Something tells me you like to see me cry,” I joke, locking my eyes with his hand in mine.   
The heartwarming silence of the gentle hand holding is cut short by the ringing of Adam's cellphone.  
"Yes?... Oh wow.... Okay... Um, well... I'll talk to her... thanks." He answers, the phone call only lasting around a minute.  
"What was that?" I ask, sitting up in the bed. We get to relax today, but it's a travel day. We will be leaving for Washington in about an hour.  
"Well, that was the attorney. The police want you to testify in court.. once we get back from this leg of the tour,” He says.   
"But, they think that the evidence may not line up once we've been gone for so long. Your physical evidence, being the cuts all over, will more than likely be healed by the time we come back. So... they're asking if you would like to suspend the case,” He says, hesitantly.  
"They have photos. They have my word against his. Isn't that enough?" I ask, getting out of my bed.   
"Apparently not to them,” He says, setting his phone down.   
I walk over to the window and look out on the city.  
"I can't just let this end. This is the second time this has happened.”  
"Second?" Adam nearly yells, walking over to me.  
"What the hell do you mean second?"  
I wrap my arms around my own waist.   
"I don't want to talk about it,” I whisper.   
I walk away from the window and go sit back down on my bed, wrapping myself up in the covers again.   
"Just tell me one thing," Adam begins.  
"Tell me it wasn't him."  
"It wasn't,” I assure. "Honestly, I don't know quite who it was."   
I sigh and pat the bed, asking Adam to come sit. He does, sitting Indian style across from me.   
We haven't hugged since the day he got custody of me. The most that's happened is him holding my hand, mostly because I want to learn to trust him before I hug him again, or do anything remotely close to that.   
I know it's stupid, but it's true.  
I don't want anyone touching me the way he did.   
"My brother constantly had after parties, mostly on weeknights, when I had school. We had a landing that was a big square at the top of our steps, and it made the perfect area for guests to gather and chit chat- usually drunkenly. One night, a random man came into my room. And um, he..." Adam cuts me off, realizing I don't want to say any more.   
"It's okay, babe. I understand,” He says, grabbing my hand again.   
That's okay.  
He didn't touch you there.  
That's a safe spot.  
"Did you tell anyone?" He asks, softly. I shake my head.   
Nobody ever needed to know that. 

Except Adam.


	19. Chapter 19

***  
We're in Vancouver for a concert and I am sitting bored in the tour bus, watching in awe as Brian changed his strings out on his guitar.  
"Will you teach me how to play?" I ask. Brian smiles and continues to roll out just enough string to fix the broken one.   
"One day, my persistent little bud,” He says.  
"So, who taught you to play?" I ask, crossing my legs and folding my hands in my lap.  
"I really taught myself. I got a small guitar for my birthday when I was a boy, and my dad had a banjo type guitar that when I played, the strings were basically like the strings on a guitar. It was pretty easy to switch over onto the guitar. That's how I learned,” He says, hand motions while he talks and all. He is so poise and intelligent. I love talking to him.   
"That's so cool,” I say, monotoned and staring down at his gorgeous cherry- wood looking guitar.  
"Do you like what you see?" He laughs, picking up his guitar to stop the stare session that's going on.   
"It's so beautiful,” I say, smiling.  
"She is a beauty, isn't she?" He says, flipping the guitar over and wiping the back of it gently.  
"Ryan!" Adam sings while walking in the door, holding the 'y' and the 'n' ten times longer than he should.   
I laugh and stand up off the couch to greet him.  
"I would love to stay and chat, but we don't have as much free time as we usually do. Go get on your outfit,” He says, pointing to the back room of the bus.  
After getting ready, I look back in the mirror. My eyes grow bluer and bluer as the sun fades into the room, my dirty blonde- almost light brown- hair falls on my Freddie Mercury shirt in perfect natural waves, my outfit completed with black shorts and high top Chuck Taylors. I finish off my look with my wrists full of bracelets, not just to cover my most visible scars, but because I like the way they look. Most of them are those rubber band bracelets I made specifically for the concerts, varying from red, white and gold for the Queen colors and yellow and white for legendary Freddie.   
I walk out of the room to find Adam, standing and scrolling on his phone. Brian snuck off into the arena, going to get ready in his dressing room.   
"Ready?" He says, putting his phone in his pocket.  
"Ready Freddie!" I yell, laughing. That brings a smile onto Adam's face.   
"Ready Freddie,” He repeats back, only much softer.  
***  
"I'm a fan, just like you guys! Only I just got the REALLY expensive ticket,” Adam jokes onstage before his song Two Fux. I’m seated back stage, watching the show from the sound booth on small tv screens, waiting for Bicycle Race to come on.  
"How is everything going?" Nikki asks, walking up behind me and grabbing my shoulders.  
"Everything is good!" I exclaim. "Adam answered quite a few frequently asked questions on his most recent interview, Jim likes that I'm singing on Bicycle Race and the crowd seems to enjoy me. I'm having a blast!"   
Nikki smiles and takes a seat next to me.  
I decide to relax a little while I wait for Bicycle Race, so I take out my phone and scroll on Instagram. I decide to post a photo since I haven't in a while. I turn on my camera and take a picture of myself, making sure you can see my outfit, stick out my tongue out and do the rock and roll symbol on my fingers.   
'@ryelliot: Ready Freddie!' I caption it. Immediately I get likes and comments, including some hating on Adam for taking me in.   
'@ryelliot I hope you know that Adam is much better off without you.'  
'@ryelliott you better not ruin this tour! Don't be on that stage in New Jersey! I didn't pay to see you!'  
'@ryelliot you're not Queen. Leave.'  
I shut off my phone and ignore them. I don't need anymore negativity.  
"Ryan! You're on in two minutes!" I hear a man at the sound booth yell. I walk over to the edge of the stage and stand next to Adam's bike. Near the end of Don't Stop Me Now, Adam runs over and hands me a microphone.   
"Ready Freddie?" He asks, wiping sweat off his forehead with a towel. I laugh a little and nod my head.   
Adam and I run on stage and take our places on the end of the catwalk.   
"Hey, Ryan?" Adam asks, bringing his drama days back out like always.  
"Yes, Adam?" I reply, sassy as ever.  
We go on to our duet, running around each other, having a blast. Those thirty-ish seconds I have on stage isn't enough; I love the rush.  
I do my usual, sing the duet, hang on stage for about the first 10 seconds of I'm In Love With My Car and wave to the crowd, running back to behind the sound booth. I'm greeted with a towel and Nikki, smiling as if she just won the lottery.   
"They love you!" She shouts so she can be heard over the crowd and speakers. I laugh and gently wipe my barely sweaty face and hand her back the towel.   
"I love them!" I say back, taking my seat next to the booth again.  
I'm finally happy. Although I still get hate because everyone does, the messages from Valerie have stopped, Jim Beach actually likes me and I'm starting to warm up more to Adam.  
The rape case still hasn't ended, but the attorney and the court want it to. There won't be a correct trial if we wait until we're done with the tour.

That's the reason I've been telling Adam my cuts just won't heal.

I can't let him know I've still got my razors.


	20. Chapter 20

After the concert, we end up staying in a hotel, since the next day is considered a 'travel day'. We do our usual traveling, which includes fun and memorable times when all of us are sleep deprived and crammed on a semi uncomfortable plane. I was actually enjoying myself and I couldn't have been happier.  
"So, Ryan. What do you teenagers like to do for fun these days?" Roger asks. I cram the strawberry I was eating in my mouth so I could answer him faster, causing him to chuckle.  
"Honestly all this technology is getting the best of us,” I say. "I'm literally always on my phone. There isn't a moment I set it down. It's like, if I do, I immediately feel bored." Roger nods his head.  
"Well, when I was your age, we had this thing called 'outside',” He said, making everyone on the plane, including myself, laugh.  
"Oh but trust me, we had our own fair share of devious nights as rowdy teens."   
"Oh, god,” I say, covering my face with my hands. "I really do not want to know." Adam, Roger and Brian all laugh while most of the others just smile.  
The rest of the flight is filled with talking about the shows, the memories and somehow politics, so I'm happy to get off once we land.  
Adam and I go and get something for a late lunch, and decide to go back to Brian's hotel room where we all end up playing a board game.  
"Haha! Sorry,” I say, using my game piece to hit Adam's off the table. If you can't guess by now, we're playing Sorry.   
He rolls his eyes and crosses his legs.  
"This game is rigged,” He says. We're all sitting on the floor, surrounded by wrappers from the game pieces and from some vegan chocolate Brian picked up.  
I was playing a classic rock station on Pandora, while we were all laughing and talking about the tour so far.   
"Have you enjoyed yourself so far, dear?" Brian asks, pulling a card from the deck.   
"It's been an amazing experience, I'm more than grateful for Adam,” I say, taking a bite off of my piece of chocolate.  
"Aww. Thank you. This has been an amazing experience, hasn't it?" Adam asks, receiving a nod of agreement from Brian.   
"Ryan, I was meaning to talk to you. And actually, it might be best if Adam is here to listen in,” Brian says, now leaning against the bed.   
"What is it?" Adam asks, looking at Brian, myself, and back at Brian.  
"Why would you think of suicide?" He asks. The room falls silent, only with the faint sound of my music playing, which I eventually turn off.  
"Honestly, I only wanted to die because there wasn't anyone else like me. I was so alone- my brother was abusive so I couldn't talk to him and my other one was never home because he couldn't handle being around it. I couldn't tell anyone at school because of the drugs and he told me that if I told on him he would make my life hell,” I say, staring down at the ground. I know if I make eye contact with either of them, I wouldn't be able to complete what I was saying. I have a stutter, and it gets noticeably worse when I talk to people. Thankfully it hasn't really shown while I'm around Adam, but it has shown while I'm around Nikki and Roger. Maybe it's because I'm less comfortable with them?  
"So, why did you finally tell?" Adam asks, folding up the game board. Yeah, that's gonna get abandoned for the rest of the night.  
"I literally had no choice. I couldn't go on without telling someone. The people I was with, my brothers friend and her husband, were on drugs and saying there was someone up in the attic trying to rob us, just because of the meth and other drugs they were on. There were police at our house all the time and her husband would literally shoot a gun in the house while all of us were in there, it just was really unsafe. They failed to take a drug test and an officer came to question me, and I let everything out. I couldn't keep being in that negative life style. I was in an emergency shelter for a week and then was fostered for about a month before moving in with my cousins, and now here I am. Best decision I've ever made was to tell."  
I finally look up at them and they're both just dead starting at me, no talking. Just Brian sitting there, legs outstretched and crossed at the ankles, and Adam with his chin in his hand.  
"Wow,” They both say in near sync.   
I nod my head and laugh in agreement.   
"Yeah."   
"What is your dream?" Brian asks.   
"Dream?" I ask back, putting my knees to my chest and wrapping my arms around them.  
"Yes. Your dream,” Brian asks again.  
"Well, I mean my dream job is to be a music journalist, b-" He cuts me off.  
"Not that. I mean, yes, but what do you want to do in this world? You have such a short time here, what do you want to do?" He says, making Adam smile for some reason.  
"I want to make people happy. I want to bring smiles to people's faces and I want to make a mark on this world, for the better,” I say, truthfully.  
"Then what are you waiting for? You've obviously made us very happy,” He says, laughs coming from him and Adam.  
"You have so much potential, you just don't see it yet, sweet girl,” He says, gently touching my knee. I smile and give him a small laugh, this time, not forced like always.   
"You truly are a radiant soul. You have a good heart and your mind is in the right place,” Brian says.

"I have faith in you."


	21. Chapter 21

***  
"You guys, you're on in 5,” I hear someone wearing a headset say. Adam sets his cup of water down on the table and walks down the hall to use the restroom.  
"Ryan! We need to talk to you,” Jim says, surrounded by about 5 other people, who I'm guessing all help manage the tour.  
"We can't have you go on stage tonight,” He says.  
My eyes grow wide. Honestly, I felt tears threatening to fall, but I blink them away.  
"Why not?" I ask, disappointed. Jim sighs.  
"Apparently, the people of Edmonton don't like you being on stage at a QAL show. I guess if they didn't pay to see you, they don't want to see you at all,” Jim says. "We can't risk getting more threats than we already have."  
Just then, Adam walks back up to us.  
"What's up?" He says, clapping his hands together.  
"I can't sing with you tonight,” I say, walking away and into Adam's dressing room a few doors down.  
I sit on the couch and bring me knees up to my chest, the tears threatening to fall again.  
"What was that about?" Adam says as he walks in a few minutes later, shutting the door softly.  
"Am I really that big of a burden to you?" I ask. Adam sits in front of me on the coffee table.  
"Why in the world would you think you're a burden to me, Ry?" He asks, with a slight laugh.  
"Because, since you've got me, I've done nothing but bad things. I've got the paps on your tail more than ever, I've got you spending more money left and right just because of me, and now I've got your tour ruined just like Jim said it would,” I say, letting a couple of the tears fall.  
"You didn't ruin the tour in the slightest, babe. Trust me. If anything, you've made it more fun! So far everyone in every city has loved having you on stage with us, and if the people here can't see that then they're missing out on a great addition to our show,” Adam smiles. I lift the corner of my lips a little and Adam rubs my knee.  
"I'll talk to Jim. I'm sure we can work something out,” He says, getting up and walking out.  
I decide to watch a little of The Office on Netflix and laugh it out. That show never fails to put me in a good mood.

***  
"Ryan!" I hear a man yell, running into Adam's dressing room. I pull my headphones out of my ears and jump up off the couch.  
"Is everything okay?" I say, worried.  
"Yes, everything is fine. Jim wants you out on that stage! Like, right now!" He says, rushing out of the door. The concert had been going on for about a half hour, and I stayed in the dressing room because I had no use on being out in the sound booth area, since I wasn't going on stage- or so I thought.  
"What made you change your mind?" I ask Jim, hurrying to change into my Freddie shirt with the minute I have before I go on stage.  
"It's honestly kind of an experiment,” He says. "If these people don't boo you off stage, we have no problem. If they do, you're done in these shows for good."  
"But, what if this town hates me but every other one doesn't?" I quickly defend.  
"We have really no choice, hun. We can't hurt this tour,” He says, crossing his arms across his chest. I take a deep breath and walk out on stage once I hear my cue. Of course, Adam didn't know I would be on the stage, so I clear my throat to get his attention. He looks back from the edge of the catwalk and smiles.  
"Hey, Ryan?" He says, winking.

***

"Would you like one?" Roger asks, lifting up a water bottle. I shake my head.  
"I'm fine, thank you though,” He puts it back in the mini fridge and takes his seat once again.  
The concert had ended and we were all on the plane on our way to Denver, where thankfully we had the day off. I was in a bad mood because, as expected, the crowd wasn't exactly happy about my appearance.  
It shouldn't be like that. It shouldn't only be up to one show. That is such bullshit that I can't be up on stage anymore.  
"Cheer up, kiddo,” Adam says, lightly patting my back. I look up at him, sitting in the chair next to me as he gives me a pity smile.  
"I promise you'll be back up there with us eventually."  
I grab the blanket I had been using for the past few days and wrap myself up in it. I sigh and shut my eyes, slowly starting to think about everything.  
It's crazy to think that this is my life now. That touring the world with a rock band that I absolutely adore will be my reality for the next few months, with a couple breaks, of course. In about a month and a half, I'll be back in LA, living with Adam. I won't have to ever deal with my family, who I know only want to tear me down, because Adam wouldn't let them. I know that I will start to have a little bit of a supportive fan base, and I can't wait to be able to read the positive comments after a while.  
I break out of my small "sleep" session and open my eyes, smiling and laughing to the slightest.  
"What's up?" Adam asks, noticing me being awake. I look up at him and smile even wider than I have before.  
"Thank you for saving me,” I say, slowly and softly. He smiles and winks at me.

I love him. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author announcement- thank you all for reading my book!! If you all would like, you can follow my Instagram fan page for Queen at a.kind.of.Mercury :)  
> Leave comments!! I want to know how you're enjoying it :)  
> Thank you!!  
> \- MrBadGuy26


	22. Chapter 22

Tonight was a night Adam had off from the tour, and after the time we've had with the rape case, the tour stuff, and just getting used to this new lifestyle, both of us need a night to recuperate. We are staying at a hotel, and as soon as we get some late dinner in our bodies and get back to the room around 9 that night, we rent the movie Table 19 and each collapse on our beds. As the previews roll on mute, and we get comfortable, I break the silence.  
"Will you ever go see them with me?" I ask. "My parents. Will you ever go back home and see the grave with me?"   
Adam gets underneath the covers of his bed as take off my socks. I get up off my bed and reach for my charger as I feel Adam pull at the elastic band of my Under Armour shorts. I laugh and wince a little in pain as it snaps, and Adam and I smile back at each other.   
"Of course I will. Actually, were going to Omaha in a couple days. Would you like to go then?" He asks. I don't say a word back. Instead, I plug in my phone and carefully set it down on the table. I sit on my bed and face Adam, pondering over my thoughts.   
"What are you thinking?" Adam asks, without any emotion. I find his eyes again and laugh a pity laugh.  
"I'm scared to go home. It reminds me of what once was the happiest place for me... now it's just dark, cold memories," I say. "Don't get me wrong, it's always going to be home, but the only place I can actually feel at home is at their grave."   
I start to feel tears coming in my eyes, but I don't stop them. I let them fall as they may.   
"God, Adam. I want to go there so badly. I just want to sit there and talk to them for hours," I say, staring up at the ceiling.   
"You know that cry that you sometimes do, when you can literally feel your heart breaking into a million pieces, and you don't know whether or not to hold your heart or your stomach because they both hurt so bad, and you have one hand over your mouth because if it wasn't, the whole block would be able to hear your screaming?" I ask. Adam slowly nods, allowing me to keep talking.   
"I remember doing that the night of the day my mom died. I was scratching at my head so hard it was bleeding, all because I was having an anxiety attack. It was so fucking hard, Adam. And the fact that I remember it so vividly scares me."   
I look back down at Adam, who is now sitting up in his bed. I don't even think, I just get up and sit on his lap, wrapping my arms around his neck, one hand covering my mouth and the other grasping him right near his hairline. I was filling the room with broken sobs when I felt his protective arms wrap around my body, trying to soothe my shaking from crying so hard.   
"Sweetheart..." He says softly, slowly beginning to rock my trembling body back and forth.   
"Just hold me... please," I beg, tugging onto his now tear soaked shirt. I feel his embrace grow tighter as I feel myself finally breaking; But the thing was... it felt okay to break. Because now I knew that Adam would be there for me, and it was safe to talk with him. God, I love him; but I have yet to tell him that. I want to call him dad... I really do... and even though I know he deserves it... I can't bring myself to call him that right now.   
He quietly hushes me and let's me cry for as long as I need.  
"I'm sorry," I say into his shoulders, somehow between my sobs.  
"You're okay, sweetie. There's no reason to apologize. If you needed to cry, you could have done that a long time ago," He laughs slightly.  
"I'm always going to be here you you. Brian, Roger and anyone else will always have an open ear, I promise."   
I lift myself off Adams shoulder and look at him. My face wet and my eyes glossy with tears somehow makes him smile.   
"As much as I hate to see you cry, that sparkle is just beautiful," He says. He lifts me off his lap and lays me down on the bed with himself following suit, covering us up with the blanket. He pulls on the lamp string and now the only light is the dim lighting of the TV, waiting for the movie to be played.   
Adam maneuvers his arm under my neck, allowing it to be outstretched and across my back while the other is over the rest of my small body, his fingers lacing together to form a protective layer. My arms are pressed against my body and his, making me feel safe and most of all, loved.   
My eyes start to get heavy as I feel Adam look down at me, then his lips trail across my forehead.   
"Goodnight, Ryan Elliot." He says, his lips still lingering on my skin.  
"Goodnight, Adam Mitchell," I say, softly.  
"I love you."   
Adam sits up a little in the bed, staring right down at me. I look up at him, both our blue eyes switching between each others, and I smile, but I'm puzzled.  
"What?" I ask, near a whisper.  
"God damn, that's all I've ever wanted to hear from you," He says, laughing. He pulls me close and grunts, and I laugh.   
"I love you more, Ryan," He says, turning the TV off and rubbing my back in small, soothing circles.


	23. Chapter 23

***  
"I really want to let you, I really do," Jim says.  
"But we had a deal. I'm worried about how people will react. We obviously saw what happened last time."  
I bite my lip and sigh a little.   
"Please, Mr. Beach. I'm begging you. Let me go on that stage tonight," I beg.   
"How can we know if this town won't like me? You never know until you try!" I wink, trying to make the subject a little lighter than it is.   
"Sweetie, I'll think about it. I'm not giving you an answer just yet," Jim says, walking away.   
There I stand, bummed as ever. All I ever wanted to do is join the band on stage, and now I can't.   
"Why the sad face, dear?" Roger asks, walking up to me.  
"I still can't join Adam in Bicycle Race. This is so unfair," I say, looking down at the ground.   
"I'm sorry, Ryan. That doesn't sound like fun." Roger says, giving me a slight frown. I shrug my shoulders and walk away, deciding to text my brother.  
I still talk to my actual brother. The one who isn't serving 6 years in prison. The one who didn't abuse me. The one that if I lost, I don't know what I would do.  
He's literally all that I have left.  
'Hey' I text.  
"Hey' He texts back.  
'What are you doing?'  
'Working.'  
'Making me some money I see.'  
'Haha, sure.'  
We text back and forth for about a half hour until I go out and watch soundcheck from the arena floor.   
"How's it sound, babe?" Adam asks into he mic, walking up the catwalk.  
"SOUNDS GOOD!" I shout back, from the top of the 'nosebleed' seats.  
I hear Adam laugh and I run down the stairs. For some reason, running down arena steps feels a lot like running down hotel hallways. Maybe because I'm finally happy so I'm enjoying the little things, or maybe because I have a random burst of energy.  
"What are you doing?"  
Adam asks, walking up to me, trying to hide his laughter.  
"Uh, having fun?" I say, running back up the steps.  
"Come join me!" I yell, as Adam stands at the bottom of the isle. Thankfully he isn't in his costume, he's in a black tshirt, grey jeans and some Nike's.   
Soundcheck ended a few minutes ago, so the band has about 2 hours down time, that honestly they should be using to get ready. We have an hour until the doors open, so right now everything is really laid back.  
"Sweetheart, these Runyon Canyon hikes pay off," He says, smirking. He starts to run up the stairs after me and I bolt across the back isle, laughing.  
Adam was only a few feet behind me when I stopped dead in my tracks.   
"Wh-" Adam starts, but I stop him.  
"This is my song!" I exclaim. "American Pie!"  
'A long long time ago  
I can still remember how  
That music used to make me smile  
And I knew if I had my chance  
That I could make those people dance  
And maybe they'd be happy for a while'  
I heard the arena fill with the song and a huge smile comes across my face.  
I start to run around the arena again, belting the lyrics out at the top of my lungs, and Adam eventually joins in.  
'Bye, bye, miss American Pie  
Drove my Chevy to the Levy but the Levy was dry  
Them good 'ol boys were drinking whisky and rye   
Singing this'll be the day that I die'  
After about 8 minutes of us running around, somewhat dancing, and singing along to the song Adam has to go back and get dressed.  
"I was hoping to see you cut loose," Brian says, setting his guitar down on a stand backstage.   
"What do you mean?" I ask. Brian winks.  
"Wait... you were the one who played that song?" I ask, smiling.   
"Thank you so much!"  
Brian comes over, gently kisses the top of my head, and laughs.  
"You are such a sweet young girl."   
He walks away and I'm left standing in the middle of the arena, walking around. That was when an idea sparked in my imagination.  
"Jim!" I say, jumping over chairs to run backstage.   
"Jim, can I go outside with a guard? Please?" I ask, almost giving puppy dog eyes.  
"Why do you want to go out there?"  
He asks, signing some sort of paper.  
"Because," I start. "If people notice me outside, and I ask them if they wanted to hear me sing tonight, if they say yes would you consider changing your mind?"  
Jim sighs.  
"Ryan, I seriously would let you. But there's a reason why we don't let members go out and spend time with fans," He says.  
Members?  
I'm a member?  
"But I'm not a member," I defend.  
"Miss Stevens you basically are a member." Jim says, either getting annoyed or finally starting to enjoy talking to me. It's hard to tell.  
"So, what am I supposed to do?" I ask, following Jim as he starts to walk away.   
"You sit back. You relax. You enjoy the show," He says, stopping in his tracks.  
"The last thing I wanted on this tour is a kid, and now that I'm stuck with you, I would rather you not get on my bad side, Ryan," Jim says, turning on his heel and starting to walk away again.  
"I'm not just a member, Jim," I say, down the hall.  
"Adam literally dropped everything and gave up so much just for me. I can't describe how thankful and grateful for him and to be having this experience, and I love him. I love him so fucking much just because he has shown me that blood doesn't always mean family. He has shown me more love and empathy and care than I have in YEARS. Do you know how good that feels, Jim? To finally feel free? Safe? Loved? To feel as if even if the whole world was against you, you would be protected by someone who you didn't even know anything about just a couple weeks ago? That doesn't just happen. That's fate. And I know for a fact that Adam won't give up on me. He won't give me back up. He won't prove me wrong. He saved me," I start to choke up. "I honestly wouldn't be alive if it weren't for him."   
The hall fell silent after my rant and I felt someone turn me around. I look up and see Adam with tears in his eyes, giving me a pity smile and laugh.   
"Thank you," He says, as I fall to the ground, unable to compose myself. Adam kneels down and hugs me tighter than I think anyone ever has, and he somehow makes me laugh.   
"You're my Ellie now. Nobody can take that away."


	24. Chapter 24

"Take care of those you call your own; keep good company," I sing softly to myself, walking around backstage.  
Long story short, Jim apologized, but even Adam said it wasn't safe for me to go outside and talk to fans. I was kept off stage tonight, but honestly I'm enjoying myself wandering about in the endless rooms behind the scenes.  
I come across Adam's dressing room, where I do my usually unnecessary snooping, and eventually sit on the couch and relax.  
I'm not ready for tomorrow. As much as I want to go home, I'm not ready to see the grave. It's been a while since I've seen it, and the last time I did I was up there for just shy of 3 hours. It's incredibly peaceful, but I'm not sure how Adam will react.  
"Ryan? You in here?" I heard a familiar voice say.   
"It's open," I answer back, seconds later hearing the door latch click open.  
In walked Brian, sweaty and chugging a water bottle.   
"The concert is already over?" I ask, peering down at my phone. Oh wow, already 11 at night. What in the world kept me so preoccupied?  
"We have to catch a flight in about two hours, so best pack up your things and head on your way," Brian asks, looking down at his watch.   
**  
The flight was going smoothly, all of us sitting and talking. For some odd reason, Adam, Roger, Brian, Spike, Tyler and I were all sitting on the ground, playing a sudden game of catch with a stress ball I found hidden in a compartment of the plane.  
"Excited for Omaha?" Roger asks. "I hope we have some extra time to spare. That place is golden. The college World Series for baseball happens every June."   
I smile and look over at Adam.  
"Adam and I already made some plans," I say, catching the green ball and chucking it at Tyler, getting a laugh out of him.  
"Can we tag along?" Brian asks. I mean, it is my hometown. They could use a little tour guide.  
"We're going to see my parents grave, so I'm not sure if that would be the best idea," I say, with a small pity smile looking around the circle. Everyone nods in agreement, not a word needed more.  
The game of catch turned into a game of 'let's see who can hit each other the hardest with a foam ball' and we all ended up laughing until our stomachs hurt.   
"You... just straight... got hit in the mouth!" I manage to say through the mad laughter to Adam. For some reason, all of us find it hilarious that a near- 70 year old man could have the power to chuck a ball so hard he would hand up busting Adam's lip open. Good job, Bri.  
And then to make matters worse, soon Roger ends up falling over the armrest of his seat and breaking it off. I can't wait to hear Jim ream their asses when he hears about this.  
"Maybe we should put this away," Roger says, taking the ball from my hands. I take my seat on the plane again, but soon we land and of course, with it being 3 am and all, I'm not tired one bit.   
***  
Adam and I make it to our hotel room, shut the blinds and make ourselves comfortable.   
"Welcome home!" He says, throwing his hands up in the air. I laugh a little and plop down on the bed.   
"I'm bored, but I'm not tired. And, you don't have a show tonight. What should we do?" I ask Adam, while staring up at the ceiling. I hear Adam ruffle through his suitcase before he pulls out two small canvases, a few different sized paint brushes and about a dozen different colors of paint.   
"Care to make me a masterpiece, Picasso?" Adam winks. I take a canvas from his hands, change into a QAL tour shirt and throw my hair up into a messy bun.   
We end up being entirely quiet, not saying a word but to ask to borrow a different brush or paint. We sit nearly back to back, the only time I voluntarily turn around being to snap a picture for Instagram.  
"@ryelliot of course it's 3 in the morning and we're up painting, although this life is already a masterpiece." I caption the photo of Adam very carefully dragging his brush across the canvas to form a straight line. He looks so content- and I love it.   
Soon Adam follows suit, the photo he snaps being of my back and you can clearly see the QAL name and tour dates, my bun messier than ever and my painting blurred in the background.  
"@ADAMLAMBERT Bonding time at it's finest." He captions it, soon us both going back to completing our paintings.   
The hushed silence is somewhat calming and therapeutic knowing that a man I love and trust is just a few feet away. I've waited so long to feel better again, and I feel that it's finally happening.   
About an hour later, our canvases are filled to the brim with random scribbles, not too much of an actual paining going on. I set them on the counter of the kitchenette and realize that it's near 5 in the morning, and the sunlight is just barely peeking through the hairline crack in between the middle of each curtain meeting the center.   
"I had fun tonight," I tell Adam, getting underneath the covers of my bed. "We should do that more often."   
"We should." Adam says, throwing a pillow at me. I laugh and throw it back.   
After that night we spent crying and holding each other, I seem safer talking with Adam. I don't feel so awkward anymore. He is my parent right now, and I have to get used to him taking care of me.   
"Adam?" I ask, near a whisper.   
"Huh?" He asks back into his pillow.  
"Can I lay with you?" I ask, sitting up in my bed.  
"Come here," He says, patting a spot on his bed.   
I hesitantly get into the bed, sliding into the spot Adam has left for me. His tattooed arms encircle me as he kisses my temple, finally releasing the embrace and rolling over to face the window.  
I snake myself under one of his free arms, rolling the opposite way again. I just needed to know that he was holding onto me.  
Because I knew if he was, he would never let go.


	25. Chapter 25

Adam and I awake at nearly the same time, both stirring in our sleep to the point of us both sitting up in bed.   
"Ry, you should probably get ready. I want you to have as much time as you possibly need up there before someone finds out where we are and leaks our location," Adam says, putting on a black jacket. I opt for a comfier outfit too, wearing a PINK hoodie and some yogas.  
After we eat some breakfast at the hotel, we walk outside to tons of paps and end up being ushered into a car. Adam was his usual nice self, answering a couple of questions as we walked the thirty-some odd feet to the black car, but never quite revealing where we're going or why.  
I unravel my headphones and turn my music on shuffle, soon getting lost in song. That was until I felt Adam tug at one of the headphones, and he eventually puts it in his own ear.  
'I'll hit the lights and you lock the doors  
Tell me all of the things that you couldn't before  
Don't walk away, don't roll your eyes  
They say love is pain, well darling, let's hurt tonight'   
"What song is that?" Adam asks, pausing it.  
"It's called Let's Hurt Tonight by One Republic," I start. "It's amazing, isn't it?"   
Adam doesn't answer. Instead he watches out the window as we pull up to the gravesite.  
I step out of the car, as Adam follows. I know exactly where to go, exactly where to park, exactly how to walk. I remember being little and my mom telling me to walk above the gravestones because "people don't like you stepping on their heads."   
It saddens me that it was such a big part of my childhood.  
I remember being the little 7 year old I was, picking out a tweety bird balloon to take and set at the grave for my dads first birthday without him here. It had "I miss you" written on it in pink, and I remember that things were only allowed to be up for three days before the site would take them down, so of course I would go up with mommy to go "pick up the pretties from daddy's grave."  
I look up from the ground as we're walking up the the headstone, and I quickly stop.  
"Adam," I start. "I can't go up there."   
I grab onto his arm, for protection I'm guessing, and refuse to keep walking.   
"Why not?" He asks, softly. "If this is too hard for you, we can leave."   
I reassure him.   
"It's not that I'm uncomfortable. My brother is up there." I look up at him.   
"You're okay, I promise," he whispers. "They're just as much his parents as they were yours."   
We walk slowly up to the grave and sit down, my brother, Brian, (AN: yes, his name is the same as Bri's. This is based on true events so all names are the same.) not noticing me until my legs cross next to his.   
"Ryan," He says, softy. I nod and smile.   
I am his baby sister, after all.  
"Yeah, Brubby. I'm back." I laugh. Adam sits down next to me, and earns himself a dirty look from Brian.   
"Why is this guy here?" He asks, pointing to Adam. Adam looks at me, and back at Brian.   
"I'm her guardian," Adam says back in defense. Brian scoffs and looks away.  
"That should be me." He says. I look down at the grass, taking a few of the blades between my fingers.  
Blade.   
Blade.  
"You know that's how I wanted it," I say back, softly. "I never wanted Johnny in that position."   
Brian and I regain eye contact.  
"So, why are you with him? Is it because he has money? He's famous? Is it because of the whole Queen thing?" Brian lists of reasons that make no sense.  
"Brian, that's n-" He cuts me off.   
"You're an ungrateful little bitch, you know that?" Brian says, standing up.   
"I agree with Johnny," he starts, walking away.   
"Mom and Dad should have never adopted you in the first place."   
I watch as he walks down the small hill and gets in his car, driving off away from the chaos he just started.  
Adam and I look at each other and I give him a fake smile. I turn away from him, knowing if I looked at him, I would cry. That was until he touched my hand.  
"Ry, I'm sorry babe," He says, calmly and quietly. That's all it took. That's all it took for me to break.  
"All I wanted was a peaceful day here. Is that too much to ask?" I question him, locking my watering eyes with his.  
"Just because he came here doesn't mean we have to leave," Adam says, gently taking my hand in his.   
"He said some really hateful things toward you, Adam. How can you be okay with that?" I try to fathom it, but I can't. I know I wouldn't be able to tolerate that. But, he laughs.  
"I've received enough hate for the both of us, trust me," He says.   
We quietly sit as I tell him a few small stories, and he listens without hesitation. I'm so thankful for him.   
"What's this?" He asks, pulling some overgrown grass to reveal a sentence at the bottom of the stone.   
"Parents of- John- Brian- Ryan (Daddy's Girl)"  
"Ellie, that's awesome," He says, wiping off some dirt from the marble stone.   
"I miss him," I say, wiping the few tears that managed to escape my eyes away, and laugh a little.  
"He was the most amazing guy." I look up at Adam. He smiles and winks at me.   
He's pretty amazing, too.


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has scenes of self harm and may be triggering. Please read at your own risk.

***  
Sitting backstage, all I can think about is the events of yesterday. Was Brian really right?   
Was it wrong of my parents to adopt me?   
I reach into my back pocket, a thankful feeling rushing over me as I feel the three inch large box still in my presence.   
That was when I decided to get up, and find the nearest quiet and secluded place, which happens to be a bathroom. I carefully shut the door, making sure to not cause a scene.   
I open the box and carefully grab a thin piece of metal, studying the beauty that is the razor.   
I slide the blade across my arm, making a slit. I sigh in relief when I see the blood start dripping out.   
Oh, the sweet pain.  
But still, I let out a gasp, drawing attention to the only closed door backstage.   
"Ellie? Are you okay?" I hear Adam shout from the other room. I don't reply. I'm too busy making other cuts. I continue to go down my arm, and ending up cutting through one of my largest veins. Cutting never seemed to hurt like this. I end up letting out a scream like gasp, watching my blood create puddles on the floor.   
"Ryan? Ryan are you okay?" He continuously asks, as I can hear him walk in and out of every room. Soon, I hear his steps grow closer to the bathroom door. I quickly lock it and hide in the corner on the other end.   
"Ryan? Ryan seriously unlock this door right now." He says, pounding on the door so hard he could easily make dents in it.   
"Adam..." I manage to nearly yell through my pain and emotionally induced sobs.  
"Fuck it," I hear him say, just before he kicks in the door. I just sit there, sobbing, unable to move. As soon as he realizes what happened, he is down on his knees next to me, squeezing my wrist with his hand to stop the bleeding.   
"I can't do this anymore. I can't I just can't," I yell out, saliva pooling in my mouth.   
"Yes you can. You're more than capable," Adam defends, taking off his shirt and wrapping it around my severely lacerated wrist, the light blue soon being covered in pools of a darker color.   
I continue to sob as I start to feel my arm getting tingly, either from falling asleep or loss of blood.   
I'm gonna go with option two.  
"Shit, Ryan! Why would you do this to yourself?" Adam asks, taking off his white undershirt and replacing his blood soaked blue one. I gasp at the sight of his new shirt turning redder and redder every second. Squeezing my arm only seems to be making things worse, even if it's supposed to make things better.   
"Brian! Roger! Anyone! Call a medic! NOW!" Adam screams, getting the attention of Roger walking by.   
"Oh, bloody hell! Sit tight," Roger says, running off to call someone or get someone else to help.   
I feel myself getting sleepy, and my eyes slowly close.   
"Hey, hey, no! You can't sleep! Ryan keep your eyes open. Look at me," Adam repeats, shaking me and holding my head. Next thing I know, he's moving me into his lap and hitting me, although softly, to keep me awake.   
"Adam... just let me go," I say, wheezy. I'm so over it. I'm over everything. He doesn't need me.   
"I'm not letting you go. You have so much to live for. You have kids to raise. You have grandkids to watch grow up. You have a life, Ryan. You haven't even hit the tip of the iceberg yet," He says. I start to sob again as Adam hushes me.  
"Just promise me one thing." I say, softly.   
"Anything, babe. What?" He asks, turning me to hold me nearly bridal style- probably to look me in the eyes.   
"Don't forget about me?"


	27. Chapter 27

Eleven stitches, one blood transfusion and a panic attack later, I seem to be somewhat stable in this hospital.  
My arm is wrapped in a huge white bandage, making it look nearly like a cast.   
"I love you, I really do, but that wasn't exactly the wisest choice, Ryan,"  
Adam says, sitting in the chair nearly diagonal from my bed.   
I nod my head.  
"It wasn't," My eyes start to water, and Adam walks over and holds my head against his chest.  
"All I wanted was to see them," I say.   
"All I wanted was to see my parents, and now I've got you mad at me."   
Adam sighs, and I can tell he doesn't really know how to respond to that.   
I know I wouldn't know how.  
"Babe, I never said I was mad. I'm not upset with you feeling the way you feel," He begins. "I'm honestly glad I found out you were still harming yourself."   
"Are you going to take them from me?" I ask.  
"My blades. Are you going to take them?"   
He looks down at me, a sad look on his face.   
"You know I have to, Ry," He says, cupping my cheek in his hand. I lean into his touch.   
"I'm sorry," I say, softly.  
"You don't need to apologize," He says, pushing a strand of my hair behind my ear.   
"Consider this a life lesson, if anything."  
He informs me he's going to leave to find something to drink, so there I sit, pondering.  
Why did I do all of this?   
I was sitting on the hospital bed, trying not to move my bandaged arm when I heard running down the hall.   
"Hey, w- oh, man I'm sorry. This must be the wrong room," A boy says, stopping in his tracks in the doorway. His greenish brown eyes meet my blue ones, and I finally realize how startled I was.  
"Oh, its fine, no worries," I say, wish a lift of my hand. I wince in pain as I notice I lifted up my injured arm.   
"How'd that happen?" He asks, stepping into my room.   
"Um.. I just cut my arm with some glass," I say, smiling. He nods his head in response and heads back toward the door.  
"I should be going... also, I'm Jace. Nice to meet you, uh, what's your name?" He asks, pointing I me lazily.  
"Ryan," I say, waving and smiling.  
"Good luck with that arm, Ryan," He says, walking away. I watch as he leaves the room. Just as he was leaving, Adam walks in.  
"Why was Jace Norman in here?" He asks, pointing down the hall. I give him a confused look.  
"Who is Jace Norman?" I ask. He gives me that 'really?' look and leans against the doorway.   
"He plays on Nickelodeon. But back to my question, why was he in here?" He says.  
"I guess he had the wrong room,"   
Adam sets down the two waters he grabbed, one in guessing being for me, and takes a seat.   
He starts to say something, but I zone him out.   
I can't stop thinking about him.   
Jace.  
That's a nice name.   
Jace.


	28. Chapter 28

***  
I down the largest pill I've laid my eyes on and gag the slightest.  
"This fucking sucks," I say, after I drink the cup of water Adam gave me.  
"Your evaluation showed you needed something, Ryan," He says, taking the foam cup from my hands and throwing it in the trash.   
"Your mental health is the most important thing right now."   
I walk up and down the isles on the floor, watching as the crew rigged up the lighting for tonight's show in Kansas City.  
I stepped up onto the stage, watching the video screens cut in and out, until the perfect format was achieved. Brian was minding his own business, sitting on the edge of the stage, messing with something on his phone.   
He didn't have to be out here. This was the crews job. He should honestly be relaxing, but after all, this was one of the only lifestyles he knew.  
"What was your favorite thing about him?" I say, out of the blue.  
He looks up at me.   
"What was that, dear?" He asks, sliding his phone into his shirt pocket.  
"Freddie. What was your favorite thing about him?"   
I point up to the screen and there was Freddie, prancing around on the video they use for Love Of My Life.  
Brian looks at me, and I can see a hurt expression on his face. He eventually gives me a pity smile, and winks at me.  
I know how bad he's hurting. He always has. And I feel, he always will.  
"He was an extraordinary guy, and an even better performer," He says with a smile. A genuine smile. Thank god.  
"We were incredibly lucky to have him. Even if it wasn't for that long of a period, he made the band how it is and how it will be remembered."  
I can't help but smile at his words. He is such a sweet and humble guy, never thinking of the money or the fame, just the pure happiness he achieved in himself and in the fans during each and every show.   
"Come with me. We need to have a talk," Brian says, walking off the stage. I quickly follow, and we end up in his dressing room. He takes a seat on the small couch, and I sit right next to him.   
"How's everything going?" He asks.   
"Everything's going okay, I guess. Nothing new has happened..." I trail off.  
"Ryan, I mean how's the recovery going. You nearly ended your life, dear. That weighs on a person," He says, giving me a look.   
"My arm is healing alright, the stitches are dissolvable because we won't be in the same city more than a night. But mentally, I'm not so sure. Everything has been coming back to me these past few days and I don't know how to handle it," I say, honestly. Brian looks around, as if he doesn't know what to say.   
"I don't want to keep talking about this because I want you to keep your focus on being back up on stage tonight. Just remember, you'll always have someone to talk to, sweet girl," He says, getting up and walking out of his dressing room.  
**  
"You might want to wear this," Adam says, giving me my red, white and blue Victoria Secret hoodie. "It gets chilly out there sometimes."   
I take the hoodie from his hands and gingerly put it on.   
"What are we doing anyway?" I ask. Adam grabs the hotel key and opens the door for me.  
"We have three days off in here in Chicago. We need to have fun sometimes!" He says, shaking my shoulders as I walk through the door. I laugh.   
"But it's 2 in the morning!" I yell. Adam quickly shushes me, reminding me that there's more people than just us in the hotel.   
"Can't this wait until tomorrow?" I whisper shout.   
"Oh, my young grasshopper, have you never seen Chicago at night?" Adam says, opening up the door to leave the hotel.   
I'm speechless. The whole city is lit up in tons of colors, not to mention looking up at all the tall skyscrapers and feeling slightly dizzy, but loving it.   
"Wow," I say, spinning around, looking up at the larger than life towers.   
"This is beautiful." Adam laughs and takes my hand.  
"Let's go explore," He says, throwing a fist up in the air. I smile and laugh more than I probably should have. I let go of his hand and throw my arms up in the air, running up the street away from him.   
"We're going on an adventure!" I shout, continuing to run. I soon come to a halt.   
"Gorgeous, isn't it?" Adam says, rejoining me on the edge of an extremely large bridge.   
"What is this?" I say, stepping into the bridge and running my hand across the concrete edges.  
"It's called the river walk. A hidden little gem of Chicago. And, it looks like we have it all to ourselves!" Adam says, walking backwards in the middle of the bridge. I laugh a little and grab my phone from my pocket.   
"Shall I play some tunes?" I say, tapping my phone. Adam gives me a thumbs up.   
I put my music on shuffle and up comes one of my favorite songs. I smile and walks towards Adam, singing as I do so.   
'On your shoulder, there's a golden rose  
We're not wastin' time if we're comfortable  
I've got a shitty car parked outside   
If you want to drive, the tank is full'  
Adam laughs at my pointless dance moves and makes it apparent that he knows the song too. After a couple more verses, we're both belting out the chorus.  
'I've got a one way ticket, you're the location  
How we got to this place, I'll never know   
I've got a one way ticket, tell me now do you want to go   
All the way?   
Do ya?  
I've got a one way ticket, fuck a vacation  
You've got the best damn face I've ever known  
I've got a one way ticket, tell me now do you wanna go  
All the way?  
Do you wanna go?'  
The song continues with us running down the bridge, basically screaming the lyrics, not caring to stay anywhere near on key. We end up sitting on a bench, catching our breath, but also laughing so hard it's pointless.   
"This is awesome," I say, looking around at the miles of river next to us.  
"Right?" He says. "Aren't you enjoying yourself?" I smile.  
"Yeah," I nod. "Yeah, I actually am!" I laugh. Adam smiles and we continue walking throughout the bridge, eventually finding our way back to the hotel.  
"It's 4:30 in the morning... were we really gone that long?" I ask, waiting for the elevator doors to open up. Adam smiles.   
"Time flies when you're having fun," He says as the doors open and we get taken to our floor.   
Adam opens the hotel room door and we walk in, taking off our shoes and jackets and plopping onto our beds. We climb under our covers and shut off all the lights but one of the lamps, so the only light is the dim orange of the lamp on the nightstand.  
"Thank you," I say, looking over at Adam. I get out of my bed and hug him, soon feeling his arms hug me back.   
"Life is so short, why not enjoy it?" Adam asks, pulling away from the hug to look me in the eyes. I laugh a little and look down before making eye contact again.   
"I'm so glad I get to enjoy it with you."


	29. Chapter 29

"So you're positive that there isn't anything that we can do?" Adam asks into the phone, pacing around the hotel room. I sit cross legged on my bed, watching his every move.  
There goes the case. We can't continue or else there could be some evidence that could potentially get tampered with, and the courts just want us to let it go.  
But I can't let it go. He took everything from me. He took my innocence. He took my purity, if you will. Yeah, sure, I was molested, but if didn't go that far.  
Adam let's go of the call and makes eye contact with me.  
"We can't give up, Adam. This isn't something you just forget about," I say, obviously furious and frustrated.  
"Hey, calm down," Adam starts, putting his hand out, trying to stop me.  
I groan and put my head in my hands.   
"I know this sucks, babe. It fucking sucks. But you have to listen to me, here." Adam sits down next to me on the side of the bed.  
"This changed you. This changed your life and it's a major part of it now. I know that you don't want to hear this right now, but you gotta learn to live with it and move on. Forgive him,"   
I fling off the covers and jump out of my bed.   
"YOU WANT ME TO FORGIVE THE MAN WHO FUCKING RAPED ME?" I yell. Adam doesn't flinch. Nothing happens.   
"Yes" He says, bluntly.   
I switch between each of his eyes and finally sit across from him on the other bed in the room.   
"You have to forgive. But you never will have to forget," He says, quietly.  
**  
I run out of the arena, run through backstage and finally lock myself in Adams dressing room before I am completely taken over by sobs. I slide my back down the wall straight ahead of the door and bring my knees to my chest, wrapping my arms around my legs as I cry into them.   
This did not just happen.   
"Ryan. Open this door. Now," Adam says, pounding on the dressing room door.  
I decide there's nothing I can really do and walk over and unlock the door. In walks Adam, who sits down on the couch.   
"Sit," He demands, pointing to the seat next to him. I do as he says.  
"He's gonna hate me. He won't ever trust me again or talk to me because I promised him. I promised him and I did it anyway, Adam. I broke the promise and I can't ever change that and I've ruined everything I just-" I cut myself off, breaking into sobs once again.   
"Woah, woah. Relax. Don't work yourself up," Adam says.  
"What did you promise him? And who's 'him'?"  
I look up at Adam and I feel my heart break into a million pieces. I can't bring myself to tell him.   
"I can't tell you," I say, softly.   
"You would hate me, too."   
"Ryan, I love you, I really do, but you need to learn that you can't keep things from me. I love to have fun with you, but I'm your parent first and you and I both know that. You gotta tell me, hun," He says, pleadingly. I take a deep breath.   
"I cut again," I let out. I instantly feel the tears form again and bury my head in my hands.   
"I promised Brian I wouldn't cut after what happened but I couldn't keep myself clean much longer." I say through my fingers.  
I hear Adam exhale and soon, he walks out the door.  
**  
"Want to go on a walk?" Brian asks, standing in the doorway of Adam and I's hotel room. I furrow my eyebrows and rub my eyes.   
"It's three in the morning," I groan, shielding myself from the incoming light in the hallway.  
"Perfect!" Brian says excitedly, throwing his hands up in the air. I manage to crack a smile. I grab a hoodie and look back at Adam, asleep on his bed.  
"Should I..?" I ask, pointing over to him. Brian shakes his head no.  
"We will be back before he even moves," He laughs.   
"So, why did you want to go on a walk?" I ask, staring down at my feet.  
We're walking around a grassy park, filled with lights and the quiet and soothing sounds of cars passing by.  
"Were in Canada, and it's officially my birthday week! Isn't that celebration enough?" Brian says with a small smile, I give him one back but it soon fades.   
"Adam told you, didn't he?" I ask, turning the subject from lighthearted to heavy as bricks.  
Brian stopped and leaned against a light pole.   
"My dear, I already knew," He says. My heart drops and my chest becomes heavy.   
"But, I'm not upset with you. I'm anything but upset," He began.   
I look up at him with hope in my eyes,  
"You aren't?" I ask. He shakes his head.   
"Ryan, there's a special place in my heart for you. You came into my life abruptly and somehow changed it forever... for the good."  
I smile and look down at the ground.   
"Thank you, sir," I say. Brian laughs. "You don't have to call me sir, sweet girl," He says. "But that father of yours, he does." Brian laughs at his own remark as I stay silent.  
Father.  
Father.  
He is, isn't he?

"Ryan?" Brian asks as I snap back into reality. I give him a smile and reassure him I'm fine.   
"Let's go explore!" I say, running a little in front of him.   
"You do remember I'm about 55 years older than you, right?" Brian says as I slowly come to a stop. I laugh and walk back to where he is standing.   
"Will you tell me a story?" I ask, putting my hands in my pockets as we stroll down the sidewalk.   
"What do you want to hear?" Brian asks. I ponder a moment, and a thought comes to mind.   
"How did you know Adam was a perfect fit for the shows?" I ask. Brian looks up at the sky and laughs.   
"Ah. Good old Lambert," He says. I laugh and smile down at the ground.  
"Yes. Good old Lambert," I copy.  
"Well, it was really up to the fans. Roger and I loved him while we played on American Idol, and something just seemed to click. The real test was the live show we played in Ukraine, in front of a quarter of a million people. He did phenomenal, and here we are," He says, smiling as he speaks.   
I slide the hotel key into the lock and gently open the door.   
"Thanks for spending some time with me. I can't believe it's already daylight out," I laugh. Brian smiles.   
"No problem, kiddo. Go get some rest," He says, pointing into the room. I smile and thank him once again, giving him a small hug, too.   
I walk into the room and see Adam, sound asleep on his bed. We had just fallen asleep when I left with Brian, so I'm not surprised he's still passed out. After all, it's only a little after five in the morning.   
I climb under my bedsheets and roll over to face Adam on the other bed. I just stare for a few moments.   
It still boggles my mind that I'm with him. That I'm here. That he literally took a girl he met at a concert in and is taking care of her now. I couldn't be more thankful.   
He really is my father.   
Now only if I could call him that.


End file.
